I Can't Get No Satisfaction

Santa Claus has just left town. According to Hallmark, that means it's time to start thinking about Valentine's Day. The cards and chocolate are already on sale in card shops. Given that, it seems a good time to reflect on our dating scene.

For all of the over-achievement that Harvard men can and do brag about, dating and romance are absent from that list. And, with good reason. Male-female relationships on this campus are a rare, endangered species for the most part. The problem is deeper than Harvard men's lack of experience. Campus women are also socially backward. I don't deny reality. We also sacrificed a social life in high school in order to cultivate the achievement level that catapulted us into this University.

Many female students, like their male counterparts, arrive on campus having never dated or even kissed a boy. But, now that we have succeeded academically (via admission to Harvard), many campus women are eager to explore our emotional and romantic side--to develop relationships and explore the dating scene we merely observed in high school.

This romantic desire quickly runs up against problems because there is no dating scene at Harvard, end of story. Students here seem to: 1) pair off with someone and become a married couple early on, 2) spend their undergraduate years engaging in random hook-ups, or 3) simply live the celibate life. If students choose the third option, that's four years of celibacy. Who applied to Harvard in the hopes of training for a convent?

Frustration bubbles barely beneath the campus surface. Students don't usually raise the issue publicly, but in conversations with female friends, the non-existent social and dating scenes are recurrent themes. Women are not satisfied with the status quo, which is sans dating to the umpteenth.

Male students might wonder why a woman doesn't take matters into her own hands and ask out that special guy in her Chemistry or Literature section. As one friend, whom we shall call Belle in honor of her beauty, recently lamented to me, she has tried. Belle is no wallflower. After a long "marriage," her boyfriend broke up with her. In the first month following their break up, Belle estimates that she scared off at least six potential relationship candidates.

Why might this be so? As Belle explains, although Harvard men as a collective tend to lack the moxie to make a move, as soon as a Harvard woman hits on him, the man summons just enough energy to flee. In an inverted historical scenario, the men on this campus seem to be afraid of the women.

Certainly fear would explain at least some of the trouble. Last January, for example, I called a Harvard man--four years my senior, mind you--and asked him if he'd like to get together to do something. This guy, whom we'll call John, was someone who'd had a thing for me but had never done anything about it. Because I was also interested in him, I attempted to remedy the situation.

John told me early on in our phone conversation how impressed he was that I'd called him; when he was a first-year, he never would have had the bravado to call a senior and ask her out. Not only would John's courage have failed him in that situation; even as a senior, he hadn't had the courage to call and ask out a first-year (me) who would have responded favorably.

My sister, Nina, is having a markedly different experience as a high school junior. Rick, a senior she knows mildly well, called and invited her to a movie. And not only did Rick pleasantly surprise Nina by paying for the tickets, he also insisted on footing the dinner bill at Pizzeria Uno. This boy is not afraid to be a gentleman.

Other than fear, perhaps the lack of dating can be explained by the women's movement, for the men of Harvard do seem to be over-womens-libbed. (Perhaps if we'd been blessed with a less liberal campus...) It is possible that having grown up saturated with the doctrine of women's equality, Harvard men are attempting to practice what they think they have been taught. But men, you have misunderstood.

As a feminist, I can correct your misconceptions here and now: women's liberation is about sharing burdens. We are willing to make an effort and pursue you, but we do not want to replace you as the sole hunters. Yes, Harvard Women are amazing, and watching them at work is impressive. But you men are not incapable; you too can ask one of us to a movie or to coffee. Reciprocity is superior to a one-way system any day.

For that matter, it is very liberal minded of you men to allow us to pay for ourselves when we do go anywhere together. But I'm not liberal, so with good conscience I can tell you what many women on this campus would love: try breaking out your wallet once in a while. We can pay for ourselves when we're alone, or with friends. Make us feel special, subtly remind us that you actually want to spend time with us. Open doors for us, wait for our order to arrive before you attack your own plate of pasta, and walk on the street side of the sidewalk. Gentlemanly behavior is certainly admirable.

When it comes to formal-dance dates, ask early and often. Women enjoy dancing and dressing up. However, it is frustrating to be asked without proper lead time and insulting to feel like an afterthought. And, every woman wants to feel like its her special night at a formal; having to ask a date can suck the magic out of the evening.

At this point, my male readers might be grumbling and curling their hands into clenched fists. I hear you. Harvard's men are clearly not thrilled with the status quo either. The proof of the pudding is Kirkland House's famous Secret Santa ritual. It was overwhelming to note that while the women requested flowers, candle lit dinners and slow dances, just how many of the House's male residents listed massages from beautiful women among their fantasies.

My comment: "Obviously the guys don't feel they get enough stimulation." Belle's response was a simple "neither do we."

Red alert! Men, there is something you can do to rectify the situation. Our social scene can be rejuvenated. The women of the campus are willing to date you. The only thing standing in your way is your courage. Call up that woman you've been eyeing across the dining hall.

Romance us, wine us, dine us, and be remembered by future Harvardians as the era of Supermen.

Missy Langsam '00, a sophomore living in Kirkland House, is available this Saturday night.