Women Can Make First Move

To the editors:

Melissa R. Langsam blames Harvard's lack of a dating scene on the over-liberalization of its students (Opinion, Jan. 9). She claims that a move back to "old fashioned lovin'"--specifically men asking out the girls and, while they're at it, paying for them--would remedy much of the problem.

But Harvard students are not over-liberalized; Harvard students are afraid, generally afraid of failure, and very naturally so. When you've made it to the most prestigious university in the world, there are few excuses one can make for failure. You supposedly have all the resources, and all the ability, so what are you doing wrong that your life's not perfect? By far the easiest thing to do is pass the blame for an imperfect life onto some external cause.

Harvard women, you are beautiful. Yet a social myth is keeping many of you down: that most men are intimidated by women who ask them out. If the guy has any interest in you whatsoever, he will accept a date with you--otherwise it wasn't going to happen anyway. Believe me, this is true of virtually all the men here--yes, even the very attractive ones. If anyone has learned anything in getting here, it should be that asserting yourself is never the problem. Fear is the problem, and we are all afraid of rejection.

Everyone here would love for happiness to sail into their lives, open the door for them and pay for their dinner. But these desires are as realistic as the June Cleaver value system Langsam dangles in front of women's eyes. A magical date is being with a charming, wonderful person. Being paid for and driven is going out to dinner with your family.

I completely agree that there is no casual dating scene at Harvard, and that it's unnecessary. For three years I've looked around and seen stressed people, worried people, miserable people, and it doesn't have to be this way. But Harvard women, you are too smart and too strong to tack all your hopes for happiness onto others. Anything worthwhile is worth taking risks. NEIL N. FARNSWORTH '98   Jan. 15, 1998