BEWARE THE IDES OF MARCH

A little over 2,000 years ago, Julius Caesar perished in a brutal stabbing by other members of the Roman Senate. A brief snapshot of the time follows.

Newspapers screamed. The Pompeii Times: "Julius Caesar killed, Millions Mourn." The Roman Globe: "Nation Shocked by Brutal Deed; Best Friend Brutus Implicated as Well." The Empire Enquirer: "Aliens Possess Caesar, Senate Gores Demon to Death."

Television went wacky. "Live at the scene of Julius Caesar's horrible end, this is Marcus Flavius. Today, the nation is shocked by the bloody end to this great leader. You can still see the traces of blood on the floor. Evidently, Caesar was stabbed multiple times until his friend and our virtuous Senator Brutus plunged the knife in the last time."

Cut to a witness: "Brutus took the knife and killed Caesar. Caesar seemed to look, well, sorta surprised, and he murmured 'Et tu Brute?' Then he died."

News anchor: "We are shocked at this tragedy that will now surely plunge our nation into chaos. The Dark Ages are back even though they haven't yet begun. This tragedy will have repercussions throughout the country and result in anarchy and more bloodshed."

Oliver Stone: "It was definitely a conspiracy. The soothsayer warning Caesar was in on it from the beginning, but he began to feel pangs of doubt. Obviously Brutus was deeply jealous of his friend, but the conspiracy penetrated still further, probably including the now-emperor Octavian, as well as Cleopatra."

Shakespeare: "Why does everyone fuss about clocks? Don't they see a great play? To be the playwright whom everyone mocks, it is most distressing to me in this age and day."