COLUMNS WE COULD HAVE WRITTEN, BUT DIDN'T

David Letterman wasn't cut out for the Crimson comp, so we at Dartboard sent him over to Demon. (He wouldn't bother to be seen over that Bow St. social organization which occasionally publishes a not-so-humorous humor magazine.) But since Letterman's not writing for Dartboard, we had to make our own top-nine list of columns we could have written but didn't.

Drum roll please...

1) The Undergraduate Council: The gov jocks who got bounced from the Crimson Grille. Remember, Rudd resigned for your sins. Maybe the entire Council will follow suit. We still want our money back for that airport shuttle that never came. And we want to be reimbursed for our cab fare.

2) The Harvard Lampoon: Does anyone understand them? Inside jokes just aren't funny. HL: Or maybe they are. Crimson: Is that the point? HL:NO.

3) Harvard Arts and Sciences Computer Services: Harvard doubled their budget and the e-mail servers crashed twice as often. Talk about investment return...

4) Harvard administration: Of course it's easy to mock the square-wheels of bureaucracy, but we don't have to run this place. Just look at what happens to the council when they try to do the job. And they don't have any responsibilities.

5) Peninsula: Can you spell f-a-s-c-i-s-t? Just lift up the white hood...Nein, mein Herr!

6) Perspective: Onward Spartacus Youth! This paper brings new meaning to out in left field. Way out.... Yes: the pseudo-intellectuals will be the vanguard of the proletariat. Oh, by the way, the war in Vietnam is over. Maybe an all-American activity like a softball game with the Peninsula staffers is all that's needed.

7) The Core. The mothership of all evil. At least it teaches you the basics of life: $10, XXX, and the Good Book. (how to make a buck, how to get a f--and a bit of that ol' time religion...)

8) Final clubs: When was the last time you got punched out by a final club?

9) Loker Commons. Those fluorescent lights that make you feel like you're the hamburger being kept warm for the customers. Nice idea, but try again Harvard Dining Services.

While Dartboard tried to make its list as inclusive as possible, we apologize to anyone we have neglected to maim.