Achy-Breaky Harvard

Did the Puritans enjoy country and western music? It's one of the most pressing and fascinating questions facing historians today. For many years this question was a no-brainer, as country and western music were thought to have been invented in the hills of Tennessee on June 13, 1834, at around a quarter to five. At this time, a Scotch-Irish immigrant realized in a stroke of backwoods genius that the banjo, up until then a farming implement used to discipline unruly chickens, could also be used to produce a twangy tune. (Historians had agreed that if, at that moment, the inventor could have known that his new invention would eventually lead to the song "Achy Breaky Heart," he would have smashed his banjo and thrown himself into the river.) However, new evidence may show that the historical community has unfairly shut the Puritans out of their rightful place in country music's beginnings.

In an archaeological dig in Winnepsaugusaukeeswampscott, Massachusetts, site of early Puritan settlements, historians have found fragments resembling banjos, harmonicas, large gold-plated belt buckles and, most amazingly, several pages of an early Hee-Haw script written on parchment. This startling evidence shows that the Puritans, sober settlers of Boston and founders of Harvard, may have had some contact with honky-tonk.

Now historians are left to puzzle out the role country music played in daily life. Research has turned up the names of several of the greatest hits of Puritan country. These include "My dog just died so my wife must be a witch," "It feels like I fell off of the city upon a hill," "My wife's been cheating (while I'm in prayer meeting)," "If this is predestined, what does the Lord have against me?" and the far-and-away all-time bestseller, "Repent, or thou shalt suffer eternal damnation."

The Hee-Haw script shows some early gems of Puritan "country" humor, including this bit: Earl: "Eddie, thy daughter is uglier than a possum with acne." Eddie: "It is predestined that she be so, to learn humility. Yeeeeeee-haw!" (Audience hangs Earl and Eddie for the sin of play-acting.)

Some evidence also exists of a traveling Puritan show similar to the early 80s television series "The Dukes of Hazzard," where two wily Puritan brothers running contraband hat buckles evade the county sheriff on an extremely fast and maneuverable mule. The end of the show featured a simulated mule chase, ending when the sheriff's mule flips over and lands upside down in the bushes, causing him to say simulated curses like "dag-nab-bit" and "razza-frackin." The main difference from the modern-day version is that, instead of escaping at the end of the show, the Dukes were fatally afflicted by God using a large boulder (a difficult, but not impossible, special effect in 1632). It was a successful show at first, but eventually failed because there was only one episode.

It seems that big players in the Colonies were attracted to Puritan country. John Winthrop, Class of 1732, liked to be called "The Big Dawn of Religious Perfection" and the famous Wampanoag leader Squanto adopted the name Jimmy Ray ("T-Bone") Squanto, Jr. However, for some unknown reason (meteorite), country music seems to have died out completely in Massachusetts. We can only wonder what a difference it would have made in Northeastern and American history had it survived. Some possibilities I have come up with are: the Boston Massacre would be The Big Boston Whup-Ass; the Declaration of Independence would include 37 uses of the word "ain't" and contain the phrase "mighty displeased;" "Vermont" would be pronounced "Varmint:" instead of "Liberty or Death," some revolutionary flags would resemble Yosemite sam "Back Off" mudflaps; and there would be two major hurdles for presidential candidates: Electoral College and Chili Cook-Off.

If country had stayed, it probably would have changed the overall attitude of Northeasterners ("Howdy there, welcome y'all to Store 24!"), as well as the famous Yankee accent (Imagine "Stand By Youse Man" or "All My Exes Lives in Joisey"). Of course, country's survival probably would have led to a much greater prevalence of overalls and people named "Dub" in the Northeast. Hey, there's a down side to everything.

Harvard would certainly feel different. The song "10,000 Men of Harvard," whose current lyrics are "10,000 men of Harvard Da DaDa DaDa Da Da," would be called "A Whole Mess a Harvard Men" and would feature several opportunities to yell "Hullabaloo!" Benefits for students would include the President's annual Commencement Holler and overall friendlier staff ("Hi, my name is Domna Sue"). Dining hall meals would be patterned after Elvis' favorites in his last years at Graceland, including Fried chicken, Fried peanut butter and banana sandwiches, Fried pies and Fried frying oil. And, of course, if country music had stayed on in the Northeast, "Yale" would still just be a verb ("I tole Domna Sue to hurry up with them fried pertaters, but 'course she didn't, so I had to yale at her."

David A. Fahrenthold '00, originally of Houston, Texas, is a Crimson editor.