How to Be Cool

"Cool" may be nothing more than a mental state. Unfortunately, not all college guys live there...yet. Hopefully, with some careful planning and creative thinking, you can jump-start the birth of your personal cool. Barring that, for you men lacking in swank, here's a guide to help you pack for your move from Nowheresville to Slick City.

Never wear jeans.

Why does America have an obsession with jeans? They're not more comfortable than regular slacks, and they're too commonplace to foster an image of non-conformity. Think about it: if you heard about a land where everyone wore blue pants, wouldn't you think those people were just a bit odd?

Never wear shorts, outside of vigorous activity.

By not wearing shorts, you silently testify, "I'm so cool, I don't get hot." New England isn't that scalding anyway, so wear slacks and suck it up. After all, do you think the Bedouins roaming the Arabian deserts stop to buy shorts at the Gap? Of course not. (They buy pants.)

Ditto that with sneakers.

Corollary with the previous two injunctions:

I. Sneakers don't go with anything but jeans or shorts.

II. You shouldn't wear jeans or shorts.

III. Thus, you shouldn't wear sneakers. QED.

Don't tuck your shirts in.

Believe it or not, many women say that they prefer the untucked over the tucked-in look--it has to do with individuality or something. Hey, if gals dig it, it must be cool.

Wear glasses.

One student says, "I know this guy on campus who chicks dig and cling to and all that, just because of his tortoise-shell glasses."

Eyeglasses temper your coolness and make you less intimidating to the proletariat. Even if you've got perfect vision, consider getting some frames with non-prescription lenses for use in tragically hip campus parties, overwrought with intellectual angst.

Blur the boundary between confidence and arrogance.

End opinionated statements with, "I could be wrong. But I'm probably not."

Be profound.

John L. Lester '99, Eliot House's resident arbiter of all things cool, states, "The key to coolness: enigmatic and persistent press coverage. Capacious FM quotes, all very opaque."

Be a man with a plan, preferably many.

One student elaborates, "On any given Saturday night, always make different plans with as many different groups of people as possible. Always show up late to each of these gatherings, sit down, chat and order yourself a drink, but when it comes, don't touch it. Soon after, apologize for having to leave so soon, but tell them how you had a great time with them, pay for your drink (which you didn't drink) and go meet the next bunch. It's all about being so busy that you can't even drink your drink."

Create your own vocabulary.

For examples:

gestalty: (gesh-TAL-tee) adj., resembling themes examined by the Gestalt school of psychotherapy

bigs: (bigz) pl. n., tough guys

shmusic: (SCHMOOZ-ik) n., low-key jazz played in the background of receptions and parties

Have innovative furniture.

Peter T. Wilson '99 says, "We have a red couch that weighs about five pounds, is made of Styrofoam and is stapled together. It sits in a corner of our common room, away from the other couches. But when you look at it, it's so red and it just draws you in." So it's cool? "Oh yes," he affirms.

Develop a nervous tic.

Nothing says "cool" faster than minor neurological impairments. For example, punctuate every fifth sentence you speak by twitching the muscle over the left side of your lip, like Elvis used to do. He was cool. Now you know why.FM