TRUE CONFESSIONS OF A HARVARD SLACKER

In high school, she was student body president, editor of the yearbook and a straight-A student.

Now she's a self-described "Grille Rat" who attends class when it doesn't interfere with catalog-shopping, mall-hopping and hangover-stopping.

How priorities change.

Some undergraduates refuse to conform to the College stereotype of over-committed overachievers. Instead they lead "alternative lifestyles," motivated more by TV Guide listings than professors' office hours.

Granted, they are a minority. But if you look past the hustle of hectic Harvardians, you can (easily) find them in their bedrooms, e-mailing, browsing the Web or most likely napping at any given hour.

They are the few, the proud, the Harvard slackers.

Official State of Denial

Most undergraduates have had personal contact with a slacker or two--a former roommate, a friend of a friend, that girl from the first-year proctor group who never made it to Annenberg. But when you ask around in the hallowed halls of Harvard's administrative offices, the official response varies.

Former Assistant Professor of History Patricia N. Limerick found the phenomenon of slackerhood so pervasive that she wrote an article on what she calls the "Harvard phantom."

Limerick, who served on the Student Affairs committee in the early 1980s, says she was most disturbed by these phantoms who "had all the faculty resources of Harvard available to them but did not make anything of that opportunity."

But Limerick says she also recognizes the correlation between phantoms and slackers.

"Phantoms were not necessarily slackers, though many of them were, in my judgment, performing considerably below potential because of their disengagement," Limerick, now a professor at the University of Colorado at Boulder, writes in an e-mail.

Some recognize that slackers exist in the College and attempt to explain their existence through basic psychology.

"Some people just prefer to be alone," Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III quips.

Others offer more extensive analyses.

"I do think that most people go through periods of `burnout' or of simply wishing to escape from other people's expectations for a while," says Marlyn McGrath Lewis '70, director of admissions for Harvard and Radcliffe Colleges.

Lewis says she recognizes that the kings and queens of extracurriculars in high school may demote themselves in college.

So while John E. Dough '02 may be accepted to Harvard after his moist deluxe walnut brownies win the Betty Crocker Bake-Off three years in a row, the admissions process realizes that Dough may get fed up with his baking sheets once on campus.

"No admissions decision rests on one exceptional talent because we need to be certain there are a variety [of] ways a student might contribute," Lewis said.

If the weight of a thick envelope in April manages to crush any semblance of extracurricular prowess, Epps says a support network of "kindred spirits" does exist within Yard gates.

"Slackers don't want [the Faculty] to see them sweat, and so they avoid contact with us at all," Epps says. "They'd be surprised to find that we have ways to avoid work too."

Ultimately, most University officials cling to the hope that students will snap out of their slacker spells.

"Most people who have loved something well enough to do it very well find other things to love," Lewis says.

Sleep, perhaps?

Slacker Central

Despite their reputation, slackers are not always easily accessible. One undergraduate slacker, who agreed only to be identified as Lays E. Bones '99, rescheduled her Crimson "confessions" interview three separate times.

"I am a lazy, lazy girl who woke up at 1:53 [p.m.] very hungover. I set both of my alarm clocks for 11 [a.m.] so I don't know how this happened," Bones writes in an e-mail to a stood-up reporter.

But once any signs of late night jaunts to the Grille clear up, Bones provides more than enough insight into the life of a slacker:

* Bones on grade inflation: "They don't want you to do that badly," Bones says, explaining she doesn't fear reprisal for her lax study habits.

* Bones on time management: "I spent more hours at the Grille last year than in class."

* Bones on attendance, or lack thereof: "I went to 10 percent of my lectures last year, and 90 percent of sections. With section, you sorta have no choice."

* Bones on course selection: She sought "the least work-intensive" classes last year, regardless of her interest in the topic.

"[Literature and Arts C-14] Heroes ended up being harder than I thought. I didn't go to lecture, and I wrote my papers the mornings they were due."

* Bones on pizza and partying: "I went to `Noch's every day last year. I went out every night."

Bones on mealtime:

"I spend an hour at breakfast, an hour at lunch and two hours at dinner. That's kinda bad."

Bones on the phone: "I am in close contact with everybody on a regular basis. Everybody." Bones now holds a part-time job as a telemarketer. Really.

Bones on section reading: "I ask myself 'does it matter if I don't do this?' No. Why would you read something if you just heard it?"

Bones on cinema: "I watch Braveheart once a week and Clueless on a regular basis. I don't even like those videos but I'm too lazy to go to the video store."

Bones on fitness:

"I watch the Cindy Crawford workout video and think about doing the exercises."

But a life of leisure leaves Bones a little unfulfilled.

She has pledged to do one hour of homework every day and has selected courses differently this year, switching from government to sociology because she found the latter to be more interesting.

"This year I go to 80 percent of my lectures," Bones says.

Still, in her Science A Core course, Bones often drops by class, picks up the lecture notes, hands in her problem set and heads back to the river.

This is not to say Bones doesn't feel guilty about her habits.

"[I now realize] my parents shouldn't be paying for me to go to the Grille," Bones says. "I'm now doing PBHA. It makes me feel less guilty about being about a slacker."

I Am, Therefore I Slack

Experience has taught Yon A. Lot '00, another anonymous slacker, that most people don't have to do half the work on their course syllabi to make the grade.

With this secret to happiness under his belt, Lot lives the life of a slacker.

"Since I don't love to study or anything, it seems like it would be masochistic to do more of it," Lot says.

And study he doesn't. Nor does Lot bother to go to class.

"Let's just say if we have a lecture course together, you probably wouldn't recognize me," Lot says.

This is not to say Lot doesn't do well academically. In fact, several of his acquaintances say Lot is one of the most intelligent people they've ever met.

"I don't want to make a huge deal about how my overwhelmingly superior intelligence let's me make As without buying my coursebooks (not that I usually buy my coursebooks)," Lot says, "because I'm convinced that virtually everyone here could cut down on their work without affecting what they learn or how high their grades are."

But Lot--described by Porter University Professor Helen H. Vendler as a "wonderful student who thinks independently and originally, and writes cogently"--isn't shy about his own talents.

"Hell, it's nice to be blessed," says Lot, an English concentrator.

And while he isn't hitting the books, you can be sure Lot's hitting the sheets.

"Sleep is very big for me; frankly, it's a priority," Lot says. "If I don't get my nine hours every night, I'm not going to be happy--so I try to get it."

Being so well-rested has its advantages.

"My social life rocks," Lot says. "If you're not studying and you're not stressed, you've got that much more time and energy to devote to the party, right?"

Balancing ample sleep, a healthy social life and the bare minimum of studying leaves a self-described slacker like Lot the master of his own schedule.

"Unless I have a paper to write or something, I'm not likely to open a textbook," Lot says. "But I'm hardly the couch potato type. I read a lot."

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From A Slacker

Lot says there are a lot fellow undergraduates can learn from the guy next door with the empty planner.

For Lot, slacking off is worth it.

"I'd much rather make the occasional B than be the person who can't ever do anything spontaneously fun, you know, like just go to a movie on a Tuesday night or something, because they can't neglect their workload," Lot says.

And Lot is quick to point out that just because you're a slacker doesn't necessarily mean you're "lying in bed for six days with nothing but a six-pack of Yoo-Hoos and some potato chips."

"If you're a premeditative, calculated, intentional slacker-with-a-plan like I am, then it's go-go-go," Lot says, explaining his less-than-stark schedule.

Although Lot can't trade war stories about consecutive all-nighters with his roommates, he says he's happier than the average undergraduate.

"I mean, like, okay, you're a dork, and you don't get any sleep, and you have to work ten times as hard as me to make the same grades," he says. "Now why am I supposed to be impressed again? Shut up.

Bones on mealtime:

"I spend an hour at breakfast, an hour at lunch and two hours at dinner. That's kinda bad."

Bones on the phone: "I am in close contact with everybody on a regular basis. Everybody." Bones now holds a part-time job as a telemarketer. Really.

Bones on section reading: "I ask myself 'does it matter if I don't do this?' No. Why would you read something if you just heard it?"

Bones on cinema: "I watch Braveheart once a week and Clueless on a regular basis. I don't even like those videos but I'm too lazy to go to the video store."

Bones on fitness:

"I watch the Cindy Crawford workout video and think about doing the exercises."

But a life of leisure leaves Bones a little unfulfilled.

She has pledged to do one hour of homework every day and has selected courses differently this year, switching from government to sociology because she found the latter to be more interesting.

"This year I go to 80 percent of my lectures," Bones says.

Still, in her Science A Core course, Bones often drops by class, picks up the lecture notes, hands in her problem set and heads back to the river.

This is not to say Bones doesn't feel guilty about her habits.

"[I now realize] my parents shouldn't be paying for me to go to the Grille," Bones says. "I'm now doing PBHA. It makes me feel less guilty about being about a slacker."

I Am, Therefore I Slack

Experience has taught Yon A. Lot '00, another anonymous slacker, that most people don't have to do half the work on their course syllabi to make the grade.

With this secret to happiness under his belt, Lot lives the life of a slacker.

"Since I don't love to study or anything, it seems like it would be masochistic to do more of it," Lot says.

And study he doesn't. Nor does Lot bother to go to class.

"Let's just say if we have a lecture course together, you probably wouldn't recognize me," Lot says.

This is not to say Lot doesn't do well academically. In fact, several of his acquaintances say Lot is one of the most intelligent people they've ever met.

"I don't want to make a huge deal about how my overwhelmingly superior intelligence let's me make As without buying my coursebooks (not that I usually buy my coursebooks)," Lot says, "because I'm convinced that virtually everyone here could cut down on their work without affecting what they learn or how high their grades are."

But Lot--described by Porter University Professor Helen H. Vendler as a "wonderful student who thinks independently and originally, and writes cogently"--isn't shy about his own talents.

"Hell, it's nice to be blessed," says Lot, an English concentrator.

And while he isn't hitting the books, you can be sure Lot's hitting the sheets.

"Sleep is very big for me; frankly, it's a priority," Lot says. "If I don't get my nine hours every night, I'm not going to be happy--so I try to get it."

Being so well-rested has its advantages.

"My social life rocks," Lot says. "If you're not studying and you're not stressed, you've got that much more time and energy to devote to the party, right?"

Balancing ample sleep, a healthy social life and the bare minimum of studying leaves a self-described slacker like Lot the master of his own schedule.

"Unless I have a paper to write or something, I'm not likely to open a textbook," Lot says. "But I'm hardly the couch potato type. I read a lot."

All I Ever Needed To Know I Learned From A Slacker

Lot says there are a lot fellow undergraduates can learn from the guy next door with the empty planner.

For Lot, slacking off is worth it.

"I'd much rather make the occasional B than be the person who can't ever do anything spontaneously fun, you know, like just go to a movie on a Tuesday night or something, because they can't neglect their workload," Lot says.

And Lot is quick to point out that just because you're a slacker doesn't necessarily mean you're "lying in bed for six days with nothing but a six-pack of Yoo-Hoos and some potato chips."

"If you're a premeditative, calculated, intentional slacker-with-a-plan like I am, then it's go-go-go," Lot says, explaining his less-than-stark schedule.

Although Lot can't trade war stories about consecutive all-nighters with his roommates, he says he's happier than the average undergraduate.

"I mean, like, okay, you're a dork, and you don't get any sleep, and you have to work ten times as hard as me to make the same grades," he says. "Now why am I supposed to be impressed again? Shut up.