Behind the Eight Ball

If you have ever watched ESPN's "NFL Primetime" or read just about any Sunday newspaper in the country, you have no doubt observed the industry-standard segment devoted to "the experts" picks.

Just what credentials these experts have is sketchy at best: does the "fight doctor" Ferdie Pacheco have a Ph.D. in Pugilistic Prophecy?

Sports prognosticators have long used varying methodologies to identify winners and losers. Chris Berman dresses up as "the Swami" and rubs a crystal ball; Diane Chambers, during one episode of "Cheers," picked games based upon team uniform colors and mascots.

Having written for Crimson Sports since my freshman year, I have assumed the mantle of "expert" based solely upon longevity. But in order to compete with the likes of Pacheco and Berman, I need a gimmick.

Scanning the Sports Office in desperation, I spy the answer I have been praying for: the Eight Ball.

We have all seen these things before in Spencer Gifts and other stores pushing party favors and lava lamps. We have all consulted the Eight Ball at one time in our lives with our most perplexing problems.

And so it is that in my time of need I turn to the Eight Ball once again.

"Eight Ball; for whatever reason, most people seem to doubt your prophetic powers. I'll start off with an easy question, a no-brainer that even the most casual sports fan might answer."

"Will the New York Knicks ever win the NBA Championship while Michael Jordan plays for the Chicago Bulls?"

Eight Ball: Don't count on it.

Clearly, the Eight Ball has at least a minimal expertise. Even the most rabid Knick fan has to recognize the futility of competing while Jordan rules the league. Next question.

"The Harvard football team looks very promising. Will the Crimson win the Ivy League championship for the first time in a decade?"

EB: My sources say no.

Well, the Eight Ball certainly has history on its side. Harvard hasn't finished about .500 since coach Tim Murphy took over. But I think this is the year.

"Will the U.S. win back the Ryder Cup in 1998?"

EB: It is decidedly so.

Well, certainly not if chokers like Brad Faxon and Davis Love III compete for American team again.

The Eight Ball is starting to disappoint me. Time to go back to another nobranier.

"Is Marv Albert's hair real?"

EB: My reply is no.

"Was Marv guilty?"

EB: Without a doubt.

And my faith is restored.

Turning back to Harvard athletics:

"Does Allison Feaster have the talent to play in the WNBA?"

EB: Outlook good.

"Will she decide to play?"

EB: My reply is no.

An unfortunate revelation. It would have been fun to watch a Harvard athlete play professional sports.

"Will Eric Lindros finally win the NHL Championship?"

EB: Most likely.

And it's about time, eh?

Well, for the most part, the Eight Ball seems pretty reasonable. But I offer one question to test the validity of its answers.

"Eight Ball, will anyone read this column?"

EB: Outlook not so good.

Even I could have predicted that.