NO COMBO, NO TINKLE

In response to recent break-ins at Matthews Hall, the Harvard University Police Department has announced that it will install combination locks on the doors of Matthews bathrooms, apparently to prevent thugs from hiding in the lavatories and then emerging at night to wreak havoc on unsuspecting first-years.

This may be one of the cases in which the cure is worse than the disease. Aside from the obvious problem no combination, no tinkle--a myriad of other inconveniences come to mind. For instance, it generally takes two hands to open a door combination lock-better make sure that towel is tied tightly around your waist. And what happens if another massive first-year food poisoning epidemic strikes Harvard? The potential chaos is inconceivable. So, in the public interest, we would like to suggest alternate solutions.

Hire washroom attendents. Not only would it be infinitely classy to have someone hand you a towel every time you wash your hands, but these attendents could keep an eye out for suspicious-looking people.

* Have the HUPD walk beats through the bathroom. I, for one, would feel safer in the shower when Officer Hoolihan strolled through, whistling and flipping his nightstick.

* Put surveillance cameras in the bathrooms. Less personal then washroom attendents, but more cost-effective. One individual could sit at a bank of monitors and send out an alarm if he or she noticed any hoodlums hiding in our fair water closets.

* Pipe bad music into the washrooms. A Debbie Gibson album on repeat would drive out even the most determined criminals. David H. Goldbrenner