SUMMER DARTBOARD

WILD, WACKY STUFF IN WASHINGTON

Did somebody spike the drinking water in the offices of this country's senior legislative body? No one can deny that the Senate has gone completely haywire. While the old boys in the House of Representatives have peculiarly maintained the eager-beaver attitude evoked by the Contract On America since the last election, several of our senators appear to be marching to their own bongo drums.

It would be downright irrational to begin this catalog of the Senate's follies with anyone other than Bob Packwood. The fragile bottom of Packwood's political career has entirely dropped out with new allegations of indiscretions committed against a 17-year-old intern. We know, she looked 25.

Meanwhile, the Senate circled the wagons to protect its own from public hearings. O.J. Simpson pleads innocent and is subjected to spectacle, while a senior senator admits (and lately retracts admission of) wrongdoing and the juicy details are kept secret? Not in a demcratic system, surely.

Let us move on to the rash of hearings which were made public. Take the Senate's unsuccessful attempts to 1) depose the attorney-general and 2) jail the president and first lady, both of which began with committee-chairing senators' vows that they had enough evidence to defame their executive-branch rivals. Hearing testimony before it's uttered is hard, real hard, guys.

The oddest position in the Senate belongs to none other than Alphonse D'Amato, who won election to what he claimed would be his last term despite a long history of ethical questions. Who better to preside over the Senate's White-water investigation?

Then there's the ongoing struggle between Bob Dole and Phil Gramm to see who can garner the most nightly news airtime. The Gramm-Dole competition will have served its ultimate purpose when the Republican party splits, leaving Ben Nighthorse Campbell to wonder if he can ever go home.

And finally, the most recent developments have seen Bill Bradley planning his retirement from the ranks of the hallowed hundred, perhaps with a view to taking the White House himself. Bill, you'd have better luck making Dream Team III.