Norma Knows

Reading period is so much fun. Not only are you being creative by thinking up new and different ways to procrastinate, but you're also getting all the sleep you need. School work, schmool work. There's so much time to party and develop reading period relationships. It is spring after all. The time of fun, formals and, well, you know. My first writer is in search of all three...I think.

Dear Norma,

Thank you thank you thank you thank you, you're the best! Last week I read your recipe for dream decision-making as I was grappling with the dilemma of whom to beg to be my date for the formal this Saturday. As I was smoking the Camel Unfiltered cigarette in the light of the moon, a Harvard police officer chanced by and noticed my unsteadiness, caused partly by the peach schnapps, which was more than I could handle, and partly by my crazy nicotine buzz. I was Ad-Boarded for under-age drinking, and the permanent blemish on my previously stainless record will prevent me from achieving my life-long dream of going to law school. But I digress. Upon going to bed that night I dreamt that the New Kids on the Block were performing in town Saturday night. Naturally, the decision was taken out of my hands. I would not miss seeing Donny for the world. Thank you for your faithful wisdom. Lame-no-more at Leverett.

Dear Lame-no-more,

Uh...well, I'm not sure what to say. I'm glad you are pleased with the results, but I'm terribly sorry about the Ad Board thing. I should have put a disclaimer on the recipe: Beware, this much peach schnapps can cause drunkenness. Hey, maybe you didn't really want to go to law school anyway.

Dear Norma,

All my friends are cheating on their significant others without remorse. In fact, I don't think It's even crossed their minds that it's not very nice. The thing is, they're really pressuring me to do it too. My S.O. (whom I love very much) would never notice, and there's this real hotty in my house I'm dying to bag. One guy has cheated on his girlfriend 14 times in the last year, and she's never figured it out. Once he even slept with his girlfriend and another woman in the same night. Is that cool? Everybody's doing it, so why shouldn't I?   Lusting in Lowell

Dear Lusting,

If all your friends were joining final clubs, would you do it, too? Okay, bad analogy. Anyway, the point is that just because a bunch of people are doing something doesn't make it the moral thing to do. Didn't you learn that in kindergarten? Hmmm...then again, just how hot is that hotty?

Dear Norma,

I Think my roommate is a pod-person, but I'm not sure. He just doesn't look at me in that special way anymore. There's no emotion. And he keeps telling me not to go in the basement or to look under my bed. He always wants to know when I'm going to sleep too. There are several four-foot-long green milkweed pods in his room. I don't know what's going on. Help me, Norma.   Am I about to be snatched? in Stoughton

Dear Am I about to be snatched,

According to the new FBI handbook on the pod-people, it sounds like your roommate is definitely a pod-person. First, you should burn the pods in his room and find the others he has stashed, probably in the basement and under your bed. Next, kill him. He is no longer human and will only try to snatch you. Pitch forks are good for this. Then again, I could be mistaken and your roommate may just be smoking the J. Be careful, prison sucks.