Finger Me, Baby

Another Friday, another late night alone at my desk. No partying for me. That can wait 'til Saturday. Nope, I'm not even thinking about catching up on that age-old sourcebook reading either. Hello, my name is Sharon, and I'm an e-mail-aholic.

Sad, but true. I'll be the first to admit it. I've become a freak who sits in front of the computer for hours typing and typing my little heart away while my roommates whisper about what a good move it was to put that anal chick in the single. But lately, I haven't even been writing to friends at UCLA or Vassar. I've been spending my nights fingering strangers and loving it.

Hey, you say, sounds like fun. It is, but it's not what some of you may be thinking (you perverts). Supposedly, the finger term comes from the classic yellow page slogan, "Let your fingers do the walking," referring to the easy method of flipping pages to find someone's phone number. When you finger a person on the 'net (type fingerscyang@fas.harvard.edu for example), you can sometimes discover such information as home and office phone numbers, the last time and location that person logged on, and of course that person's .plan.

.Plans are the main reasons why fingering people is so entertaining. More or less, you can write whatever you want in a .plan. Just type pico .plan, pour out that creativity, and save the changes. Many people like to load their .plans with song lyrics, famous quotes, and ASCII art (pictures composed of keyboard text). In a way, .plans are like eyes, windows to the soul.

When asked why he has a .plan, Aaron Y. Mandel '97 (e-mail: amandel@fas) answers, "For essentially the same reason as I'd rather wear a t-shirt from a concert or convention or other nifty thing than a plain one. People get a kick out of seeing their favorite author quoted in someone else's .plan, which is probably at the back of many minds when .plans are written." Mandel's current .plan is a collage of sorts containing huge blocks of "obscure" song lyrics and quotes of things that have been said to him "which had a nice cadence to them or which were so beautiful taken out of context that [he] couldn't forget them."

Jenea M. Boshart '95 (e-mail: jboshart@fas) demonstrates a fondness for quotes in her .plan as well, but hers also includes a 3-D stereogram, similar to the images found in "Magic Eye" books, that she made with the help of a special program. On the subject of her interesting array of eyestrain-producing letters, numbers, and symbols, Boshart relates, "One time, I was playing around with a script I was writing for my friend that would automatically generate a .plan for him. To test it, I removed my own .plan for the time being. Almost immediately after renaming it, I got a talk request from someone I didn't recognize...the guy said, 'Hi. You don't know me, but you used to have a cool stereogram on your .plan. Do you think you could put it back for those of us who liked to finger you?' It kind of freaked me out, but hey, I guess that means that my .plan is being read."

Those who read the .plan of Jonas A. Cooper '97 (e-mail jacooper@fas) will no doubt find themselves doing it forever. Last year, his .plan grew to over 3000 lines. Cooper elaborates, "Originally, my .plan was just like a small diary where I put random stuff about what I was doing, arguments I had with chemistry, and other silly things like that. After that, I was introduced to the art of ASCII, so I started incorporating...such things as Star Trek ships, a dinosaur, a panda, a biohazards sing, and other eclectic items. I received several messages from people complaining... that [my .plan] tied up their computer for twenty minutes and that I made their lives hell."

For the finger junkie who prefers shorter, more manageable .plans, "Six Degrees of Kevin Bacon" by Stephanie A. Salm '98 (e-mail: sasalm@fas) is a good bet. Inspired by an article she read last year, Salm links any actor or actress to Kevin bacon within six steps or less. For example, a past .plan revealed, "Macaulay Culkin was in Getting Even with Dad with Ted Danson who was in Made in America with Whoopi Goldberg who was in The Lion King with James Earl Jones who was in JFK with Kevin Bacon." Salm remarks, "I invite people to e-mail me if they think of shorter ways to do the ones I have posted...I change my .plan a few times a week, usually when I think of a really complicated person to connect to Kevin Bacon. Then, of course, I am corrected by all of my more well-informed friends."

Armed with your newfound insight into the art of semi-cyber-snooping into the lives of others, go ahead and don't be shy. Reach out and finger somebody today.