D A R T B O A R D

ACCURACY IN WHAT?

Have you ever wondered why conservative political organizations all have names plucked directly from Orwell's 1984 or Huxley's Brave New World?

Take a few examples: Accuracy in Academia, the Institute for Justice and the Heritage Foundation. In truly Orwellian style, the three groups have the following functions: Accuracy in Academia revises history to portray Republican leaders favorably; the Institute for Justice fights social programs for the poor; and the Heritage Foundation does all it can to make sure that the United States discards its heritage of fostering civil rights and helping the downtrodden by fighting progressive legislation.

We also wonder why other conservative centers call themselves just that: centers. The Madison Center, for example--what does it have to do with James Madison, whose brand of federalism is long forgotten? It's merely a funnel for conservative money and lobbying.

For a group who used the "L-word" to the hilt in the 1988 and 1992 presidential campaigns, conservatives certainly betray a lot of fear about the "C-word." Heaven forfend that any right-wing organizations should have the words "Republican" or "conservative" in their names! These opponents of gun control, among other things, could do much more towards becoming straight shooters.

BANK ROBBER BLUES

If you wanted to rob a bank, where would you go? Harvard Square, of course! With branches of at least five major banks right here, robbers have a virtual smorgasbord. Armored cars cruise through Massachusetts Avenue at all hours, ripe for the picking. Crowds swarm in and out of buildings, automatic teller machines abound, payroll packets flit to and fro--it's a robber's paradise.

As such, we at Dartboard are miffed that the Square hasn't become the target of more crime than just one armed robbery every few years. We're really bringing down the national crime-to-bank-per-square-mile ratio. But we think we know why more people don't come to the Square with robbery on their minds.

The reason: Students have no money. We all support tiny accounts for years at a time, teetering on the brink of bankruptcy until the next check from home or the payroll office comes through. Why would robbers come to a student center? We spend all our money on tuition, books, CDs and clothes anyway. Few take the advice of Professor Martin S. Feldstein '61 and start that nest-egg early.

So bank robbers seek greener pastures--financial centers where the stakes are high or one-horse towns where the security is low. It's only the rare few who make it to the Square; but hey, they were from Charlestown.

BEWARE THE LIBERAL MENACE!

A message from our most disgruntled Dartboard correspondent:

Citizens, counter-culture McGoverniks have taken over our universities and threaten our national defense. But the fight is not lost. Speaker Newt is on our side.

I tell you in all confidence my friends, these liberals are not only anti-American; they are cruel. Not only do they allow the lazy and destitute to live the good life at our expense, they wallow in persecuting our nation's most defenseless class, our soldiers.

Patriot Richard Pombo leads the counter-revolution in Congress through his quest to save the Reserve Officers Training Corps (ROTC) from the unyielding torments of the liberal intelligentsia.

These liberals love to accept money from the federal government for science research and scholarships for their beloved poor. But they trample on the souls of ROTC students just because our nation discriminates against a few of those homosexuals. What hypocrisy! What base injustice!

Citizen Pombo will lead the battle against those heretical citizens who think they can just go around and do whatever they want within their socalled college, without consulting the federal government first.

If our Secretary of Defense declares that he wants a ROTC program in every pot, how dare they question his authority? In the coming battle, we shall see who our enemies are, oh yes we will. The Kremlin on the Charles thinks it can force our young warriors to jog down the river to MIT, but it will think again, my brothers.

Yet I hesitate to tell you--oh yes, my pen shakes while I write--that this ROTC oppression is only the tip of this liberal threat. Beneath the waters lies a much greater threat to the traditions of our great nation. For you might not realize this my friends, but these liberals believe that they can teach anything they want, no matter how far removed from any practical occupations. Yes, remember the proverb: Idleness is the soul of wit. Under this license, these ivy walls are stained with the slime of witchcraft, internet pornography and the nefarious activities of the Action Man.

I propose new legislation to crack down on this so-called academic freedom before the corruption spreads to the surrounding areas. (The Communists took over Cambridge long ago.) So long as these universities receive federal funds, the Secretary of Defense shall select their students, teach their courses and choose the ice cream flavor of the day. No more talk about diversity or any of those other liberal bywords. That only lets anarchists infiltrate our sacred halls.

My friends, our task is large but our numbers are growing. Our drowning brothers in the military call out for our aid.