groovy train

Four years on the shores of the Charles give one a long time to ponder questions of great metaphysical importance. Inevitably, Harvard first-years spend countless evenings discussing the afterlife, the nature of truth, and the congenital incompetence of University Health Services. But by senior year, the pall of alienation and anomie have descended upon the residents of the college, and discussion turns to more mundane and materialistic subjects: law school, investment banking, and fellowships.

While endeavoring to light a fire in our sub-Arctic common room, however, we were laid low by the image of the Canaanite deity Baal, son of El, come forth in all his crimson glory. He informed us that the answer to our problems lay within the body of knowledge we had accumulated over the past four years. Idol worship, he boomed, is the only way to regenerate Harvard, and indeed modern society as a whole.

Some theorists claim that the crisis of modernity is rooted in the failure to properly implement enlightenment ideals; others argue that the problem is enlightenment ideology itself (Social Studies 10). With the help of the Core Curriculum, however, we have discovered that the problem occurred far earlier than the seventeenth century--about five thousand years earlier. The rejection of polytheistic idolatry in favor of monotheism marked a crucial departure in the history of human society (Bible). Whereas our ancient ancestors--the Greeks, Romans, Celts, Hittites, Sumerians, etc.--achieved a balanced life by worshipping a pantheon of gods, our ability to lead such a harmonious existence in a rapidly changing world is limited by our reliance upon only one Supreme Being.

The spread of monotheism has culminated in what Francis Fukuyama deems the 'End of History'--the unrivaled dominance of Western-Capitalistic-Monotheistic-Dead-White-Male- Anglo-Saxon-Democratic Society (Historical Studies A-12). Monotheism is incompatible with life in multicultural society, which requires freedom of choice not only in lifestyle, but also in after-lifestyle. What we need to cure the ills of society, therefore, is a viable challenge to the hegemony of traditional thought. In a world where people can choose from fifteen flavors of Snapple, one godjust isn't cutting it anymore.

We need to bring religion back into the handsof the people (Intellectual History). We needpalpable gods who are not afraid to jump into thefray, that are physically present in our time ofneed (Heroes). Basically we need to equilibratesupply and demand in a spiritual free market thatwould make Marty Feldstein proud (Ec 10). WhatHarvard in particular needs is the Lord of theEarth, the active god of storm and fertility, thecreator of mankind: Baal.

Baal would improve life at Harvard for all. Theancient Canaanites believed that proper worship ofBaal required that the worshippers engage insacred orgiastic rites to ensure the rhythmiccycle of nature. While the causal link is unclearanyone can see the benefits this kind of activitywould offer sex-starved Harvard students. Offeringlibations to Baal--the ritual pouring of alcoholicbeverages--couldn't hurt Harvard social lifeeither. At the same time, Baal would provide amore plausible mascot for our sports teams thanthe UC's ill-fated John Harvard look-alike.

Baal is not an arm-chair-quarterback god: wecould hold him responsible for our successes andfailures. Much like household patron saints inseveral South American cultures, idols of Baalcould be physically punished when times take aturn for the worse. Putting Baal out in the coldMassachusetts winter a few times a week shouldkeep him in line. No second-round interview withMcKinsey? Feed him spanikopita turnovers,compliments of Harvard Dining Services. Bad newsfrom Harvard Law School? Throw the bastard in asnow bank. 'No distinction' on your thesis? Pitchhim off Weeks foot bridge.

Baal would help our sex lives, our sociallives, our sports records, and our general mentalwell-being. Baal would help us solidify our holdon the U.S. News rankings. But most of all, Baalwould offer us an alternative to conformity and anescape from the all-consuming homogeneity thatcurrently cripples American society.

Baal is democratic. Baal is hip. Baal ispre-modern. Baal is post-modern. Polytheism ismaking a comeback, and Harvard cannot afford to beleft behind while the choice gods are swept up.Join the march into the future: go out, grab anidol, get some incense, burn your thesis, and havesome fun. We have nothing to lose but our chains.We have a world to win.

Idolaters of the world, unite