Claustrophobia of the Knees

IF THE U.S. News and World Report took weather into consideration when ranking colleges, Harvard probably would have never made it into the top ten, let alone been first. It's not unusual for the temperature to be a bitter five degrees out, and the wind makes it feel like 20 below. So all bundled up with hat and scarf, gloves and coat, you glumly trudge off towards the Science Center for your 10:00 Core. And, there on the street, some guy walks by wearing shorts. You pause and rub your eyes. Worried that your blood will freeze if you stand still for too long you head off towards your destination, muttering, "What the hell is he thinking? Is he from the depths of the Yukon, where this kind of weather would be normal for, say, mid-May?" Maybe he just likes being comfortable in overheated sections when everyone else is sweating to death. Or perhaps his parents simply forgot to tell him to bundle up before he went out to play in the snow.

Surely, the handful of shorts wearers must get cold, and some of them go as far as to admit that they do. Ed Park '96 considers wearing shorts a "virtuous activity, [but] one that risks certain things...like losing your legs." Others claim they simply do not get as cold as normal people. Several, times, shorts-clad Don Hayler '97 has offered his jacket to a friend. "They are just more cold than I am," he states. Mark Yokoyama '96, who wore shorts all the time until he bought a "really cool pair of pants," argues that his high body temperature allows him to engage in shorts wearing. Others maintain that bundling up on top is the key to wearing shorts past Labor Day.

Even the most fervent shorts lovers don't wear them all the time. Mike Maciszewski '96 estimates that he wears shorts when it is 45F or warmer outside. Dave Goldberg '95 is a little more serious about his shorts, which he only abandons for a month and a half of the year. Don Hayler '97 is a bit more daring. So far this winter, he has not put on pants to go outside, though he did concede to wearing shorts for about 10 or 15 days last winter. He once stepped outside in his shorts and "went back inside and put on some pants," since the temperature that day was -40F with wind-chill, about ten degrees colder than his estimated cutoff for wearing pants. Don only owns one pair of jeans, but is thinking of "splurging" and buying another one. Don, Dave and Mike all succumb to wearing pants on formal occasions.

The efforts of Tim Griffiths '97 single-handedly put his brothers-in-arms (or perhaps, more appropriately, legs) to shame. Tim estimates that he wears shorts at least part of the day for a whopping 365 days a year, and no one who knows Tim at all doubts this claim. His roommate Andrew Sachs '97 reveals. "I've seen Tim wear pants maybe 3 or 4 times in the two years we've lived together. I'd say at least 3 of them were when his girlfriend was here." Tim consents to, but doesn't like, wearing pants on formal occasions because he'd much rather wear the brilliantly colored tie-dyed shorts and matching tie that he wore to his prom. In fact, he says he will wear that set to "any event I think I can get away with it."

Committed shorts wearers have one thing in common: old ladies stop them to warn them of the dangers of catching a cold. They also are constantly subjected to looks and comments from friends and strangers alike. Ed Park often overhears people telling each other, "Hey! Look at that stupid person: he's wearing shorts." Sometimes, these people are his friends. Last winter, Dave Goldberg was stopped by a complete stranger and asked who his dealer was so he could "get some of whatever [Dave was] on." When walking out of William James Hall one bitterly cold day, Don Hayler encountered a truck driver who rolled down his window and yelled, "put on some fucking pants!"

These courageous souls usually take their abuse in stride and with a sense of humor. Originally from Hawaii, Mike Maciszewski says he is often reminded that he is in fact no longer there, to which he responds "I know, but I wish I was." He says wearing shorts "makes me feel like I'm not so far away from home." But this explanation hardly seems sufficient for all shorts freaks, some of whom hail from less tropical climates. Another possible motivation for this bizarre behavior might be to show off their sexy legs, though Tim Griffiths recounts a female friend in high school confronting him about his shorts habit, asking, "Is it because you think your legs are really good looking? Because they're not!"

Contrary to popular belief, shorts wearers are not trying to be unique. Most of them actually claim they would rejoice if they went out and found everyone wearing shorts on a really cold day. This, in fact, is Tim's vision of Utopia. Well, with the simple addition of "chocolate milk fountains at every corner," that is. Which reminds one that, regardless of the guiding principle, wearing shorts in the middle of winter is a bit weird.

Shorts wearers themselves do make some efforts to explain their lifestyles. Dave Goldberg says, "the real reason is just inertia. All summer and fall I get up and put on shorts, it's real habit-forming." Others point to the many advantages of shorts: comfort, ease of removal and, according to Tim Griffiths, the ability to flee attackers more effectively than pants wearers.

Maybe it all comes down a question of personal space. Liberty. Wearing pants, for Tim, is "atrocious and oppressive to my legs. I have extremely claustrophobic knees." Ultimately, however, Tim rejects all explanations. "I get a little fed up with the idea that people expect me to have a rational answer. I mean, it's clearly an irrational behavior so how can you have a rational explanation?"