Some Modest Proposals

I've often found myself walking across campus reflecting on how something about Harvard bugs the hell out of me. If the thing bugging me is significant enough I'll devote an entire opinion piece to it--if someone else hasn't already. I'm sure we've all seen pieces devoted to the whole heinous finals-after-Christmas thing, or the farce that we call reading period, or everyone's favorite representative body, the Undergraduate Council.

But often I'm bugged by little things that really don't merit a whole editorial. And since I'm denied that cathartic outlet I wind up getting unduly stressed. This in turn causes me to do silly things like worring about my upcoming Ec. 10 midterm. Well, recently I had an epiphany, I realized that I had collected enough little grievances to merit a collective editorial piece. So away we go with my list of the top five things Harvard needs to fix.

First, I'm really annoyed by the fact that we only have seven minutes to get from one class to another. Seeing as how most of my professors start three minutes early and end three minutes later, I have one fat minute in which to travel from, say, the Science Center to the top floor of Lamont Library. Which means I usually arrive just in time to hear things like" ...and those are the topics you need to know for the upcoming test."

Well, what can Harvard do to increase transit time without decreasing class time? It could adopt a staggered class schedule. This means that as the day progresses, classes start later into the hour. This is implemented at other Ivies, like Cornell, which actually affords a 20 minute break between each class. Of course, the Cornell equivalent of going from the Science Center to the top of Lamont involves crossing tundras and scaling frozen waterfalls.

At Harvard, we wouldn't need quite as much extra time. A workable plan might be to have the first class of the day start at 9, the second at 10:05, the third at 11:10 and so on. Keeping the old 53-minute class length would give students a comfortable 12 minutes between classes, and the last class of the day would end only 30 minutes later. Yes, I know this sounds complicated, but if Cornell can figure it out, hell, so can we.

Second, the Memorial Church bell really bugs me because I sympathize with all those poor Canaday residents jolted out of bed by the hourly bonging. I realize that this bell is very dear to the administration; after all, if it didn't ring regularly how would they know when to go to the bathroom? However, I don't think it's too much to ask the College to eliminate pre-noon bonging, so as not to disturb sleep deprived students.

Third, Harvard really needs to exercise greater control over its lawn sprinklers. To begin with, if you happen to be standing in the wrong place when the sprinklers turn on, you're likely to find a stream of water aimed right at your crotch. And even if you're lucky enough to come upon the sprinklers after they're already on, you may still have to run a gauntlet to get where you're going. You'd think that the Administration would realize that there is no point to watering the asphalt.

And then there's the matter of bad timing. I don't know how many times I've walked onto campus during monsoon-like rains only to see the sprinklers happily put-puttering away. I don't know why this bothers me, but I'm comforted by the knowledge that many of my friends find it equally annoying.

I think it's a question of consistency. For instance, when you walk into lecture and find your professor wearing green pants, a bright yellow tie and a purple blazer you tend to get annoyed at the man regardless of how brilliant, nurturing and wise he is. It's the same with the sprinklers--it just doesn't make sense to run them when it's been raining for three days straight.

Fourth, Harvard Dining Services really needs to decide how much meals cost them to provide. Here's an interesting piece of gristle to chew on: The dining halls charge visitors nine dollars per dinner. Now, a recent issue of Nutrition Bites (you know, those triangular fonts of information on the tables) reminded us that last year Harvard Dining ran a program where students agreed to give up their dinners in exchange for a meal of rice and beans. The money saved went to charity.

According to Bites, more than 2,500 students participated in the program and raised a total of $5,000. Whoa. Waitaminute. You don't need to have passed the QRR to figure out that those plates to rice and beans apparently cost the dining halls seven bucks a piece. My point is, it really would be nice to be able to bring guests into the dining hall for a reasonable price. I think this is particularly apparent to those of us with off-campus friends.

Yes, I realize we now have a $25 dollar allowance to spend on visitors, but that really amounts to only 2 and 7/9ths dinners. Or 3 and 4/7ths plates of rice. Whichever you prefer.

And finally, the grandaddy of all my pet peeves, the little annoyance that sends shivers of frustration up and down my spine.

Why is Harvard incapable of supplying the correct amount of heat to our dorm rooms? With the collection of world-class intellects that the University boasts, one would think that when the temperature drops below 40 degrees the College would figure out that it's time to start sending some steam up them pipes.

Not that I don't relish frostbite. It's quite stimulating and keeps me from falling asleep on top of my Ec. 10 textbook. And since most of the appliances in my room are now super-conducting, I imagine I'm using less electricity. But it's just so damn hard to get out of that nice, warm bed in the morning.

Maybe it would be easier if I lived in Canaday...