Resolutions for All

Welcome back to Cambridge after two weeks of holiday cheer and celebration with your family, opening gifts and singing songs. But what gift did we receive from fair Mother Harvard? The dread of finals, a freezing cold two-week escape into the library, three days of intersession and spring registration. Oh, joy.

There are things that all of us could improve about ourselves, and the dawn of the new year seems an especially appropriate time to do that. Allow us to make some modest suggestions for new year's resolutions on behalf of members of the College community:

The Freshman Union. Skip the special "Welcome Back" dinner.

UHS. Encourage first-years to skip the special "Welcome Back" dinner.

First-years. Skip dinner. You need to lose all that weight you put on over break.

Dean of the College L. Fred Jewett '57. Make your last few months really count. Ignore student opinion and randomize the housing lottery, rename Faculty Row "Jewett House," and start stealing office supplies.

Aspiring Deans of the College. Help Fred steal office supplies.

Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III. Go wild. Offer the front face of University Hall for student banners.

President Neil L. Rudenstine. Delegate. Delegate. Delegate. Someone else can be sick for you just as well as you can. Get well.

Dean of the Faculty Jeremy R. Knowles. Read Macchiavelli's The Prince. Carnesale's vulnerable and Rudenstine's out of the picture. Do what comes naturally, President Knowles.

Members of the Undergraduate Council. Try to piss us off just a little more, why don't you?

Members of newly-renamed Pforzheimer House. Try to pforget it. At least it isn't your last name.

Widener Library. Now that Steve's been caught, let go of all those painfully obvious undercover 62-year-old lady librarian types.

Final Clubs. We know it's hard for you guys. But try to develop a love for women.

The Coop. Use all that money you're hoarding from us. Buy yourself a con-science and remember the meaning of the word 'cooperative.'

Philip Nini, of Nini's Corner. Enjoy Dean Epps' sensitivity training seminar. We hope you comprende.

Peninsula's Council Members. Flee! Flee! We're all gay and we're coming to get you!

Wellesley Professor Anthony Martin. Flee! Flee! We're all Jewish and we're coming to get you!

Kristen M. Clarke '97, BSA President. Continue contributing to the spirit of goodwill on campus.

Charles A. Murray '65, Surviving Author of The Bell Curve. Strike while the iron is hot and while the market is ready. Write a sequel. Sell the film rights.

David L. Hanselman '94-'95, President of the U.C. Divert your personal campaign war chest toward private donations to ROTC.

Yalies. Go ahead, steal our flag this year. We have the money. We'll just buy another one.

Quad Formal Ticket Counterfeiters and Scalpers. Don't let your talents go to waste. Enterprising individuals such as yourselves should run for U.C. this year.

Senior Economics Concentrators on the Recruiting Circuit. Sit back and relax; you'll get a job.

Other Seniors on the Recruiting Circuit. Apply early. Every year, hundreds of thousands of high school kids beat you to the punch for those burger-flipping jobs at McDonald's.

Medical School Applicants. Loosen up and have fun for the first time in your life. See first-hand what your body parts can do for you.

Law School Applicants. See if you can't squeeze out of your last few months at college an inkling of a well-rounded education that doesn't involve the art of bull.

And finally, The Harvard Crimson resolves to continue to fight for truth, justice and the American way. Welcome back.