The Moviegoer Resurrected

Welcome to The Moviegoer, a new semi-regular column appearing on the editorial page of The Crimson. This column originally appeared some 30 years ago as a movie review column.

In its current incarnation, any topic that has to do with the movies is fair game. Is there too much violence in modern American cinema? Is Oliver Stone a conspiracy-minded twit? Who is the best new director? Whatever happened to Pia Zadora? All these topics and more are grist for this future columnal mill.

This is also the only column that will ever actually respond to reader mail. In other words, if you have any topics of your own, any questions, any comments, send them in. I won't promise that they'll get printed, or even get read, but if they do appear, you'll receive some fabulous free gift. Of course, you will receive full credit in the column, unless your letter is really clever, in which case I will incorporate it in full into the column and take all the credit.

However, none of you had the pre-science to write in this week, which means that I will be forced to actually do some creative thinking and come up with a topic of my own. Since I haven't an ounce of creativity (that is why, after all, I am a columnist), I think that I will borrow a page from all the movie magazines and newspapers that I have read recently and hold a summer movie roundup. What's worth your paying those outrageous prices at that video store in the Garage to rent? What's the perfect film for that intimate night with your significant other? Read on and find out, if you dare.

First, some of the absolutely can't-miss movies of the summer: True Lies. Some say this was the most expensive movie ever made. You won't find me disagreeing--it certainly looks it. The special effects are dazzling, and Arnold is--well, you know, he's Arnold. On the other hand, Tom Arnold finally appears in something were he didn't make me want to hit him with a big stick.

Speed. Another action movie, I know, but my expectations were so low, and it was so much fun. Dennis Hopper was much better in Red Rock West, a movie released earlier this year that deserved a better fate than it got, and Keanu Reeves was passable, though much better than when he played one of the world's most important religious figures in Little Buddha, Bernardo Bertolucci's failed attempt to recapture the pomp and pageantry that won him a Best Picture Oscar for The Last Emperor.

Forrest Gump. Take a date. Tom Hanks deserves another Oscar. So does Gary Sinise for a realistic portrayal of Captain Dan that is winning him acclaim from disabled advocates nationwide. You must see this movie--if only so that you know exactly how to say the phrase "Life is like a box of chocolates."

32 Short Films About Glenn Gould. A wonderful and creative look at the life of the reclusive concert pianist that will interest both musicians and the tone-deaf alike. I have never been a fan of classical music, and I went out the day after I saw the movie and bought a CD of the Goldberg Variations.

Four Weddings and a Funeral. This has just been released on video. Kick out your roommates and cuddle with your loved one. Hugh Grant leads a fine supporting cast, with the exception of Andie MacDowell, who has not given a good performance since Sex, Lies, and Videotape.

Maverick. Well, I liked it. I hear it's better if you know the TV show. I wouldn't know.

Second, some of the must-miss movies of the summer: The Flintstones. Yabba-dabba-dumb. The one frisson of joy you get from seeing live action versions of all of the dinosaurs disappears about 15seconds into the trailer. What all that talent was doing in there I can hardly imagine. Moment of wit: the B-52's cameo.

North. My children, I have suffered for your sins. I have sat through two hours of Elijah Wood being perky. Aargh.

City Slickers 2 and Beverly Hills Cop 3. If you are going to recycle all of the jokes that you have used in earlier movies, then make sure that they were the funny ones. Billy Crystal and Eddie Murphy used to have talent, and I'm sure that they still do, but it was nowhere to be seen in these turkeys.

The Color of Night. So much ink has already been spilled making fun of this movie that I feel bad about adding to it. So I won't, I guess.

Bitter Moon. The only thing that was bitter about this Roman Polanski turkey was me, that I had paid the exorbitant amount of money to see it. Hugh Grant gives an absolutely listless performance. I saw Four Weddings and a Funeral again, and I felt better.

Go Fish. Some people have hailed this film as a serious, creative cinematic treatment of an important subject that deserves serious artistic consideration. I regard it as a inane, banal cinematic treatment of an important subject that deserves serious artistic consideration.

Wyatt Earp. Go see Tombstone, better known as "the first Wyatt Earp movie," that came out a couple of months before. It is superior in virtually every way, including a fine performance by Val Kilmer and being almost an hour shorter.

Third, which we don't really have space for, movies that looked to be a lot better than they actually were:

The Lion King, Clear and Present Danger. The Client, Natural Born Killers, Wolf, Barcelona. Eat Drink Man Woman (go see director Ang Lee's earler film, The Wedding Banquet, for a good movie about modern conflicts in Taiwanese culture), Sirens, and Kika.

Finally, the movies I didn't even bother to go to: Getting Even With Dad stands out, as does Little Big League. Camp Nowhere is another unmentionable, as is Angels in the Outfield. I'm sure there were others, but I've blocked them out.

Well, that's all that I have about time for today. Next time, unless anyone suggests anything better, the column's topic will be "Second Assistant Key Grips: Boon or Bane?" So please write in.

Note: if I don't get to your movie, or worse, if I pan it, I'm sorry. I am a cinematic cretin without an ounce of taste in my body. On the other hand, I am the one with the column, and you are merely opinionated.