Can You Pluralize 'Stupid?'

TODD: I had never fallen asleep at a movie in my entire life. And then I saw "Airheads." I guess that means I only saw some of "Airheads."

TAD: I must admit, while I thought I had enough caffeine in my system, I also feel asleep during some of the movie. Fortunately, Todd and I discovered that at least one of us was awake for at least 90 percent of the movie. This made us feel a little bit better before we decided to write this review.

TODD: So we pooled our knowledge and pieced together the movie. And you know what we discovered? This flick sucked.

The beginning was not auspicious. I mean, we knew that America hadn't exactly been counting the minutes before the release of this movie. But you'd expect the first showing of a flick starring Adam Sandler to at least fill a small theater in Cambridge. Especially when free tickets are advertised in The Crimson the day before.

But it turns out that the makers of this turkey couldn't even give away the seats. On opening night, the tiny Loews Harvard Square theater was filled to only about two-thirds of its capacity.

And by the end of the movie, a full half of those diehards up and left. The other half fell asleep. Except for the three geniuses who left after a few minutes and snuck into "The Client."

TAD: While the theater was not exactly inundated with people and the plot of the movie stank like rotten eggs, I was pleased with the performances of Chris Farley and Adam Sandler. Both Saturday Night Live regulars made the movie bearable and actually pretty funny at times. In one scene Farley rips an earring off a rebel rocker and, well, let's just say the earring was not attached to the metalhead's ear. Sandler was charming with his portrayal of a stupid drummer for the Lone Rangers band. Much unlike Sandler, Brendan Fraser ("School Ties" and "With Honors") is pathetic as lead singer Chazz. He does not look like a lead singer, he does not act like a lead singer and he never actually lead sings. And like I always say, if it doesn't waddle like a duck, quack like a duck and stink like a duck, then it is not a duck.

TODD: How can I top that? Well, onward! to the plot. Fraser, Sandler and Steve Buscemi star as the Lone Rangers. How can you pluralize the Lone Ranger, you ask? Don't worry. The topic is fully explored in "Airheads." Just about every character makes the joke. Unfortunately, it wasn't funny enough on the first telling to be recycled 50 times.

Anyway, these Lone Rangers claim to have recorded this great song (Chazz to his girlfriend: "I wrote it for you." Girlfriend to Chazz: "You wrote it before you met me." Ugh. And guess what? That joke's also recycled about 50 times). But nobody, including record executives and Chazz's girlfriend, believes that the song has any merit. So the Lone Rangers set out to prove it to the world in the best way they know how--by taking over a radio station and holding a few annoying music jocks hostage. With water guns.

But couldn't this be, like, a cool parody? Nope, says the director.

"This film is not a goofy spoof of rock and roll," says Michael Lehmann. "The characters take themselves seriously and the situation plays itself out as a pretty straightforward hostage drama...." Whatever.

TAD: I think the real point made by this movie is that any script can become a movie. This movie should be used as an example to future generations of how to waste talent, or lack thereof in some cases.

Michael Richards (Kramer from "Seinfeld") gives a great performance as an annoying guy trapped in the radio station given the terrible lines and antics prescribed by the script.

While I am not a Brendan Fraser fan, I do know that he does not belong in this movie, which shows Chris Farley slam dancing in a Los Angeles club. Brendan Fraser would fit in better ballroom dancing at a country club than in a slam-dancing neo-grunge club.

While there are a great deal of blond jokes, the bland, er, blonde girlfriend of Chazz is unbelievably dumb and random. I wish I could find the best example of her stupidity, but she is consistently dumb throughout the movie.

TODD: I used to like Adam Sandler. I used to like Chris Farley. I was really rooting for them to be funny. But if "Airheads" is any indication, their movie careers are going to be about as successful as Dana Carvey's. Then again, I WAS able to at least stay awake during "Opportunity Knocks."

Okay. Here's the deal. There are tons of great movies playing. You have "Forrest Gump," "Clear and Present Danger" and "The Client." You have "Speed," "True Lies" and even "Lassie." Don't waste your time with this piece of trash.

NOTE: Due to his mother's sudden iliness, VanCliburn's Great Woods concert scheduled for July 31 is postponed indefinitely.