Dining in Hell's Kitchen

The Freshman Dining Hall is a dieter's paradise. Don't get me wrong. The food there is as fat and cholesterol laden as the food at any house dining room. Be the portion small or be it large--one can be sure that it is full of saturated fats and empty calories.

Unless you grew up at KFC, home cookin' wasn't like this.

The Freshman Dining Hall is a dieter's paradise because the busy, unpleasant atmosphere the haphazard presentation; and the unappetizing selection and quality of food conspire to depress appetites and emotions. Better than Dexatrim (and cigarettes too,) the Freshman Union will keep you slim and fit. What first year's mouth waters when he or she hears: "Wanna go to the Union or something?" Freshman have stopped eating. How many upperclass students are pulled back to the Union by the inexorable forces of nostalgia? None.

One feature does serve to partially compensate for the Union's depressing effect on appetite. There is nothing like a half-hour line to famish a young person in the prime of life. In the Freshman Union the 50 person line serves as an antipasto.

Having mentioned some of the finer aspects of the dining experience, let me move on to the less glorious parts. The line, which can trap the unlucky first year for 30 minutes, is most comparable to quicksand, or perhaps the traffic in the Callahan tunnel. Going in it may not seem so bad; but after 30 minutes in a warm, noisy knot o people the room begins to spin and the lights flicker.

Of course, the folks who work in the Union do their best to make a bad situation better. The job of feeding 1,600 people three times a day is a daunting task. When one considers the physical layout of the Union, which funnels a long line of students into a tiny antechamber, the danger of a large-scale riot seems real.

Hunger? Frustration? Lines? Who knows what will happen? Images of Michael Douglas in "Falling Down" don't seem farfetched . In the interests of averting a tragedy I have made a list of two suggestions to improve the Union.

(1)Create a fast service line. Allow people in a rush to bypass the usual line, and pass by a window to pick up a wrapped sandwich and bottled drink. Not unlike the box lunch. this would be an oft-used options for those on the run.

Those of us with only a half-hour between classes could make good use of such a feature; those with time for a leisurely lunch can enter the usual line and enjoy the less-crowded dining hall.

(2)Another wonderful improvement would be a continental breakfast from 9:45 to 10:45. Nothing fancy, just some bagels and some juice for those who have the luxury of sleeping late. It wouldn't cost much money--or effort. Why? Why not.

The first-years deserve the same dining privileges that upper class student receive. The closest Houses (Adams, Quincy, and Lowell) have strict interhouse regulations-we first--years are stuck.

In many ways, Harvard Dining Services will be starting over next year in terms of freshman dining. Let's hope they learn from some of the Union's many shortcomings.