Championship Weak

Hey, forget about Arkansas, North Carolina, UConn and Missouri. They don't have squat on the college basketball being played on ESPN this week--every night, bay-bee.

Yes, it's "Championship week" once again, and for those of you who have trouble discerning the MAAC from the MAC or the MVC, and Stetson from Rider or Pepperdine, here's a little primer on who's gonna get to play Purdue, Duke, Kansas and Kentucky in the first round of the NCAA Tourney:

The Big States Conference: To qualify for entrance to this prestigious Western association, your school has to come from a state whose square mileage is larger than its population.

You know, schools like Central Idaho, Montana Tech and Albuquerque A&M. Nicknames like the "Fighting Potatoes" and "Coyote Ranchers." These BSC kids lead the nation every year in frequent flyer mileage, hands down, and rarely in anything else.

But a Wyoming State Coach Tex "Honcho" Lardner told me yesterday, "That don't mean s--. Just wait until those jack-offs from Georgetown find out we stole their at-large bid by winning our tournament."

John Thompson, busy on a conference call with the Big East director of officiating, could not be reached for comment.

The Great North-South-East-West Conference: Also known as the "Compass Eight," fine institutions like Eastern Ohio, Northwest Indiana and Southeastern Michigan State compete every year for the bragging rights to one of the nation's oldest trophies, the GNSEW's prestigious Little Brown Beer Bottle.

The conference tournament winner gets an automatic bid to the Big Dance as the Midwest Region's #16 seed, but as Wisconsin Western Coach Don "Lampshade" Williams told me Monday, "We demand an equal shot. Ship us out West where we might have a shot at a first-round win against Arizona--I'm sick of this Big Ten crap every year."

Lute Olson, tied up reviewing films of East Tennessee State and Santa Clara, was unavailable for a statement.

The New England Nine Conference: Little-known during the Big East-Atlantic 10 rivalry of recent years, the NE9 has produced some surprising NCAA-caliber teams in recent memory.

Who could forget the great Burlington (Vt.) State dynasty of the early seventies? The Bangor (Me.) Icicles powerhouse which year-in, year out could hold Michigan to under 120 points during March Madness? And the UMass-Concord Grapes, winners of two of the last three NE9 automatic bids?

"Never mind our league's 0-27 lifetime NCAA record," New London (Ct.) Bridges Coach Alex "Scum" Parker told me Saturday. "I think this year, the selection committee will take into account our fine, 4-42 non-conference record this year and give us the #15 seed we truly deserve."

Bobby Knight, Jim Boeheim and Rick Pitino, all busy filming the sequel to "Blue Chips," could not be reached for comment.

The Heartland Association: Now that the HA's fine student-athletes meet the restrictions of Proposition 48 ("Farming 101") being no longer mandatory for credit), fans of teams like the Nebraska A&I Scythes and the North Dakota Polytechnic Reapers can cheer their point guards and big men towards an NCAA automatic berth.

"I don't understand what the fuss was all about," longtime Older Dominion Coach Eldon "Enigma" Jasper said to me this morning. "A kid can shoot the rock and plow the field in the same afternoon, I've always said."

John Chaney and John Calipari, too involved in writing a joint screenplay for a made-for-TV love story, declined to return our calls.

So there you have it. In addition to teams like Southern Illinois, South-West Texas State and Liberty, which are already afflicted with March Madness, look for several more of the above schools to waltz with the upper crust when the NCAA Championship begins on St. Patrick's Day.

With so many automatic bids out there to be had, it's no longer cool to be an "on the bubble" school, is it?

Darren M. Kilfara is an assistant sports editor for The Crimson.