P.C. Parenting

The recent Junior Parents Weekend protest left me little baffled. When I first heard vague rumors of the then-upcoming protest, I immediately rallied against the planned demonstration. "How can you be against parents?" I asked incredulously. "Without parents, none of us would be here!" I declaimed.

In the wake of that protest, however, I have come to realize how uninformed my position was. The students who demonstrated did, in fact, have very grave grievances, and I now join them in demanding a change from the intolerable status quo we face today.

It is absolutely unconscionable that not one Hispanic, African-American or Asian is a parent of mine. In fact, not just one, but both of my parents are white and Jewish. Thank goodness I'm at least treated to some gender diversity--even parity. Ah, how my mother must have struggled to reach these heights.

But gender parity is definitely not enough. How can my two white parents. treat my siblings and me to a full experience of growing up? I and my siblings never had a parent of color as a role model.

And speaking of siblings, that's where my family is the true "peculiar institution." Four sons. Can you believe it? Four white males. In the public forum of The Crimson's Opinion page, I demand that my parents create equally within my sibling pool. Mom and Dad, get cracking, you've got at least four females to go.

Where is all of this leading? I have reconsidered my position on parents. I am absolutely against them.

Why?

When we think of parents, we always think of two people. True, in these days of "Murphy Brown," the single parent has become an alternative model. However, with only one or two parents, how can a child be given a fair and balanced childhood?

Only two ethnicities, genders, races, religions sexual orientations can give any input into the fundamental shaping of the child's ideas.

We must rethink the entire concept of the two-at-maximum parental model. I say, each child gets a number of parents equal to the number of representatives in the United Nations General Assembly at the time of the child's birth. Every child should have at least one parent from each member state. As the General Assembly increases or decreases in size, parents should be added or taken away.

Then, finally, we will have a truly just parental model for the gorgeous mosaic that is our world. Then, and only then, will I put down my picket sign on Junior parents Weekend.

Instead, I'll go out to a nice dinner at a fancy restaurant, with my approximately 130 parents.

Benjamin J. Heller's column will return after Spring Break.