Atrocity Institution

Dear Norma,

I am beside myself. I thought I had sent my child to the nation's finest institution of higher learning. This past weekend--Junior Parents Weekend, no less--I learned otherwise. I am appalled. I am outraged, shocked, saddened, and irate. How long has it been this way, and why wasn't I told? Am I alone in my anger, or do others feel the same fury? It is simply atrocious, Norma. Simply atrocious. Mrs. Robert McClary   Tulsa, OK

Dear Mrs. McClary.

You're going to have to be more specific. Your own child probably feels the same unfocused wrath. Have you spoken to him/her?

Perhaps you are angry about the absence of an animate school mascot. (Incidentally, that rankles me too.) Or maybe you are having trouble accepting the "penny a minute" policy for overdue reserve materials. Or you may even dislike a capella. You obviously missed the Junior Parents Lunch on Saturday. Baked brie usually makes everyone feel better.

Despite Harvard's flaws, there is always one feature of this place that will not fail to warm your heart. Those glass flowers are amazing.

Dear Norma,

I recently handed in my senior thesis. Yep. Finished that thesis. It's done, and I'm happy. Yep, happy is me, yessiree.

No, that's a lie. I'm inconsolable. I miss the purpose and certainty my thesis provided. I was never bored when it was around. I always had something to do. Everything was so clear then, and now it's all confusing. I'm adrift without direction or companionship.

I miss it, Norma. I miss its cute bibliography with second-line indentation. Its table of contents was adorable. The introduction was a gentle tease, telling me where we were going but not how we were going to get there. I love my thesis, Norma. I am nothing without it.   Lonely in Lowell

Dear Lonely,

There's no way to get your thesis back. You've handed it in, and that's that. Yet there are other fish in the sea. Why not write another one? Is there a degree with honors that you always wanted to but never pursued? Keep in mind, though, that any thesis relationship is doomed from the beginning. For no matter how much you love each other, a thesis will always leave you for the reader. And you'll be left with nothing but early drafts and overdue book fines.

Hey Norma!

Miss me? Last week was raisin' hell in a handbasket! I "got friendly" with a female hockey player, a biochem major and a junior's mom! And guess what! She was the hockey player's mom! Bet you've never seen the likes of the Captain! But I wasn't too busy to pick up a copy of last week's FM, and you know what I think? I think you printed a bunch of letters about me `cause Norma wants to have breakfast with the Captain!   Captain XY, Esq.

Dear Captain XY,

You seem to think you're quite the man, Captain XY. You think you're God's gift to females and advice columnists. Well, you've got another thing coming. If you're so self-assured, why don't you sign your real name? I bet you'd never send a photo of yourself, either. No, the Captain is too cowardly for that. I am losing patience with you.

Urban Outfitters has one of those instant photo booths, by the way.

Dear Norma,

I read on a Dining Services "table tent" the other day that there's a "Recipes from Home" dinner or something that's coming up. I am scared to death that my mom sent in her recipe for "Weenies and Beans with Cauliflower Florets."   Anxious in Adams

Dear Anxious,

Why, I think that recipe sounds delicious. In my house, weenies and beans are served with string cheese and a dill pickle garnish.