Better Dead Than Red?

While the threat of a Russian invasion seems a distant memory for most Americans, for Alaskans, who make up 0.002 percent of Harvard undergraduates, it is very real. Vladimir Zhirinovsky may seem like a joke to the residents of the 49 other states, but some Alaskan residents say he represents a grave threat to their state.

Zhirinovsky heads the "Liberal Democrats," who fill 15 percent of the seats in the lower house of Russia's new parliament. What has Alaskans concerned is Zhirinovsky's vision for the future, which includes dividing Poland between Russia and Germany, sending Bulgarian president Zhelyu Zhelev to Siberia and, most important of all (at least to Alaskans), reclaiming Alaska for "Mother Russia."

Most Americans may consider Zhirinovsky's statements an empty threat, but the United States could be in danger of losing more than 500,000 square miles of valuable land, including precious oil fields, according to Sloan S. Johnston '97.

Despite this security risk, Alaskan undergraduates say they fear the United States government is doing little to prevent Zhirinovsky from fulfilling his campaign promises. Given that Alaska is a mere 51 miles east of the Siberian mainland, Alaskan students say they are not so quick to dismiss Zhirinovsky's threats. The newly revealed Elipton, a weapon of mass destruction more powerful than a nuclear weapon, has students especially concerned.

Alaskans at Harvard say this time is especially difficult for them, because they are far from their homes. Samuel E. Wood '97 says, "It is sort of weird to think that your family is in the line of the fire while you are so many miles away."

Since the United States government is not jumping to the rescue, some students say they will prepare themselves. Johnston, a lifetime Alaskan resident, says she is not looking forward to the take-over but is taking Russian to prepare for it.

In addition, Johnston says her family is taking extra precautions to prepare for an uncertain future. "We are putting an extra layer of ice covering on our igloo and we are teaching our polar bear how to attack on the word 'kill,' Johnston says.

Some Alaskans are taking even more extreme measures to defend their homes. "My family has a large arsenal," says Michael C. Merriner '96, adding, "I'll use my semi-automatic.22 to injure more soldiers." Merriner's greatest fear is "they'll regulate the hunting and fishing. The U.S. regulates it enough. If Russia takes over we wouldn't be able to hunt or fish."

Elliott B. Gagnon '95 will be less violent in his preparations to defend himself. Gagnon says he will start by buying Russian-lan-guage tapes, but if worst comes to worst he will to into hiding. "Alaska is big enough, you could hide if you wanted to. Winter would be tough. I guess I would buy a lot of food," he says.

Gagnon fears the "lame" Fourth of July festivities that would result from a Russian take over. Gagnon says of Zhirinovsky: 'I think he's a nutso.' Furthermore, Gagnon says, Zhirinovsky has no claim to Alaska. "We bought it. You know, it was a fair deal," he says.

Anchorage native Owen S. Wozniak '97 and his family are also preparing for the Russian invasion. "We're asking immigrants from Afghanistan how to best protest yourself from Russian tanks and increasing the size of our dog sled team so we can out run the Russians," he says.

Wozniak is apprehenshive, primarily because he fears the economic repercussions for the res to the U.S. "Russia is probably interested in the secret untapped oil reserves that only Alaskans know about. These reserves, which could fuel the world for 20 years, have been kept a secret," says Wozniak, who also has an alternate theory. 'Zhirinovsky wants to take over the lucrative ulu production industry, nationalize it, and make Russia a super-power again,' Wozniak says.

None of the Students interviewed say they can imagine how Zhirinovsky found out about this valuable and secret resource.

Wozniak says he is truly concerned about his future. "I think that having to learn Russian will be bad news. I'm expecting to get conscripted and shipped North to work on the Arctic Land Bridge."

In Wozniak's opinion, Alaska could best protect itself from being reclaimed by placing a big sign in the Pacific Ocean that says, "This way to Alaska," followed by an arrow pointing in the direction of California. But if Russia does take over Alaska, Wozniak says he thinks Russia should refund the $7.2 million originally paid for the land, with interest, as well as agree to fund the construction of a water pipeline to California.

Most Alaskans, however, find this solution unacceptable. "We are worth a lot more than that. Alaska is priceless. There isn't enough money in the universe. Alaska is the best state in the union. We are a lot bigger than Texas," says Johnston.