The Real Meaning of Valentine's Day

This past weekend, Leverett House held an Anti-Valentine's Day Dance. Admission: $3 per person, $7 per couple. We applaud them for their true understanding of what an odious occasion Valentine's Day really is.

Valentine's Day is a "holiday" deserving of nothing but the greatest scorn and contempt. The problems associated with Valentine's Day are too numerous to even begin discussing. But we'll give it a try.

Valentine's Day does not discriminate. Single or romantically attached, it's bad deal for all involved.

If you have a "significant other," it would be hard to conceive of a more painful occasion. You have to write sappy cards to your beloved. And turning to your friends at Hallmark is not acceptable--your words must be heartfelt and sincere. You have to fill the day with ardent professions of your love, all in goo-goo talk, of course. You have to go out to some ridiculously expensive dinner, attend some ridiculously expensive show, or take some trip to a motel with a heart-shaped tub and mirrors on the ceiling.

As you can see, Valentine's Day will leave you with nothing but empty pockets fattening chocolates and wilted flowers you happen to be allergic to.

And what if you don't have a significant other? What if your only valentines come from your parents, your older sibling, your-really- close-friend-of-the-opposite-gender and your Great-Aunt Lorena?

In that case, Valentine's Day is nothing more than an occasion to sit around and feel sorry for yourself, while munching on your roomate's candy hearts.

Speaking of candy hearts, those multi-colored sweets are one of the most annoying things about the whole affair. Don't Get us wrong; we like candy as much as anyone else. It's the little messages on them we have problems with. "I luv U." "Will U be mine?" If they got any cheesier, we would serve them on crackers.

We propose creating candy hearts with different message on them, phrases which take a more realistic view of romance. "Love bites." "Go to Hell." "I Never Wanna See You Again, You Good for Nothing Bum."

Valentine's Day is nothing more than a pseudo-holiday. It is the result of a huge conspiracy by certain greedy big businesses: Godiva, Russell Stover....and those people at 1-800-FLOWERS.

Fortunately, as Leverett House demonstrates, there are some people out there who understand the real meaning of Valentine's Day.