THE CARNESALE CONSPIRARCY

President Neil L. Rudenstine takes leave-hundreds of student's fall ill North House renamed Pforzheimer House-surely, a conspiracy is afoot! Someone is looking to drag Harvard down, but why?

We have questions here at Dartboard, lots of questions. Why hasn't Rudenstine shown himself in public. Has he been captured by radical Yale's, trapped in a box six feet underground with only glucose pumped through a straw to sustain him? Has he been suffering from some disfiguring disease carried by tree sloths in the Congo' Has SPECTRE finally gotten to him?

Maybe Rudenstine is just resting at home, giving evening showings of his lunch like so many first-years. In a space of weeks, hundreds of students at Dartmouth and Harvard suffered the same crippling symptoms. Coincidence? We at Dartboard think not.

Some vile organization is going after this country's best and brightest. So why did they start at Dartmouth? Clearly, the biological battle waged against the Big Green only amounted to a test run. Something larger is happening, and only Acting President Albert Carnesale knows exactly what.

That's right, Carnesale. He's been a pawn of the Pforzheimers for years, ever since Steven Singer (ne Pforzheimer) infiltrated Carnesale's operation. Few people know that Singer controls Carnesale's actions with a tiny joystick that he fidgets with in the left front pocket of his pants. Many Kennedy School students died from boredom in the procurement of this information.

Does anyone honestly think that Rudenstine is coming back? Of course not. Carnesale has taken over for good. It started with North House, but soon we'll be attending Pforzheimer & Radcliffe Colleges, and then just Pforzheimer College. Yes, the Pforzheimers are sick of Radcliffe, too.

The moral? Be wary of dining hall food and people with silent P's in their names. Remember, the walls in Pforzheimer House have ears! Stay tuned to Dartboard for future updates!