HOIST A STEIN AND PARTY

If being overrun by pumped-up, overly self-impressed orators weren't bad enough, this weekend brings another treat to Harvard Square: Oktoberfest. Which means, lots of drunk tourists stumbling around singing German battle songs and pounding their chests with false nationalism.

Don't fear, gentle reader. You, too, can utilize these schleppers for your own personal enjoyment. Just lightly tap one on the shoulder and watch them tip over. Unlike those weeble-wabbles you enjoyed as a child, these idiots do fall down. And they sing while they do it, too.

Another option is to harass all the vendors that line either side of Brattle Street. Pretend to try on a hat with garish flowers while admiring yourself in their grime-streaked mirrors. "Aw, don't I look cute?" When they're not looking, pluck off all of the flowers and stick them in your backpack. Mom'll love a surprise packet of cheap plastic flowers.