HALLOWEEN HUINKS

Ghosts and goblins and things that go bump in the night. No, it's not the ghost of John Harvard come back to urinate on his statue...it's Halloween!

We at Dartboard like Halloween. What other time of the year can you dress up and eat lots and lots of M & Ms? We also like nabbing tutors' kids and stealing their candy. We put sheets over our heads and go "Boo!" and then they scream and wet their pants. But sometimes when we forget to cut holes for eyes we bump into walls. We never said that we at Dartboard were particularly bright, after all.

Then there's the Adams House Masquerade. There are lots of interesting people. It's a good way to make a new friend--or find an unusual one-night stand. There's that guy dressed up as a dildo in the corner, although he himself doesn't look like he could do that much, if you know what we mean. Then there's that woman trying to balance a bowl of fruit on her head while singing "Chiquita Banana" to a crowd of onlookers. Oh, oops, that's not a Harvard student. It's Carmen Miranda come back from the dead.

Then there is that group of guys in the corner, dressed up as the nine final clubs. One's an Owl, one's a Fly, one's a piggie (that must be the Porcellian) and...oooh, one's dressed up in a tuxedo vomiting on himself. He must be a generic club member. Wouldn't recommend him for the night.

If you get bored at the Masquerade, there's always the Crimson Sports Grille. The Harvard football team will be there, blissfully intoxicated. You can go up behind them and yell "Boo!" and watch them as they swear and fall over. They're not quite in the Halloween spirit, but that's okay because they're big boys and they'd probably eat all the candy if they were.

Then you can take a roll of toilet paper and decorate President Rudenstine's house. Imagine how excited he'll feel to look out his window the next morning to see little fluffy bits of paper hanging to his trees! "It's snowing!" he'll exclaim, darting out his front door with his robe and bunny slippers to stare in amazement. Just picture the tourists mobbing in for a shot of that! Hee hee.

But meanwhile if you're feeling particularly spiteful toward an old professor or especially eager to exact revenge on an administrator, there's always the old stuff-the-gooey-egg-in-the-mailbox bit. And when you see them earnestly pontificating in Monday's lecture, you can picture their look of shock when they open their mailbox the next morning!

We at Dartboard don't mean to be flip and to put only evil ideas into impressionable young heads. We've got some good ones, too, that will provide entertainment for the members of the Cambridge community. It's called streaking.

Streaking? That's right. You don't even need a Halloween costume. Simply slip into your birthday suit and you're ready to go! Holler as you run down residential streets, and residents will just think you're a charming--albeit horny--werewolf.

But be careful. Some irate dad may not be so happy about his little goblins seeing a naked student rambling down his street and may run you down with his station wagon. And that would be bad.

Who would steal a foosball? Maybe the same kind of person who'd consider streaking on Halloween.