SCREAMING IN THE RAIN

Distraught Hollis residents spent the past week putting their tragic lives back together, while trying to figure out who was going to cover the $80,000 worth of water damage from last Friday night.

While we at Dartboard never feign omniscience (or, at least, seldom), we are pretty sure that Dylan R. Nieman '98 is not the most popular first-year on campus. Oh sure, he's got a cool name--like real poetic and all. But last Friday was not Dylan's most shining moment.

For those unaffected, we should remind everyone that Dylan R. Nieman '98 has a cousin. Dylan's cousin had a bar mitzvah. And Dylan had a tuxedo he was going to wear to his cousin's bar mitzvah. Perhaps it was a heavy tuxedo--or so the ceiling sprinkler head must have thought. After hanging the garment on the aforementioned safety equipment, the entire dorm quickly became flooded with water and some type of fire-retardant tar substance.

Evidently, Harvard officials are not being forthcoming about who will reimburse students for damages. Nonetheless, we at Dartboard are always happy to hear frank talk about fire safety.

We're pretty familiar with the "stop, drop and roll" technique pioneered in the late 1970s. But we were pleased to hear Dean of Freshmen Elizabeth S. Nathans offer further insight: "If sprinklers don't go off easily, kids burn up easily." Right on. There's nothing worse than burned kids--especially when they crisp too quickly.

And since it appears that Hollis dwellers will have to suck up their losses, that wily Dylan has taken to spin control. He sympathizes with his dormmates, as his own computer no longer works and his answering machine is--well, let's just say his answering machine is messed up.

Further, Dylan disputes the police estimate of $80,000 damage, telling a Crimson reporter that it was "just a couple thousand, at most." And, considering the damage he could have done, Dylan reminds his fellow Hollisites that "we all were pretty lucky."

Of course they might have been a good deal luckier if a certain Dylan never moved into their dorm.