BEATING THE HEAT

Blistering, oppressive, withering, strength-sapping heat threatens to ruin your health, your day, your very sanity.

It's not supposed to be this hot here, you think, remembering how superior you felt to friends who were spending their summers in Miami or Phoenix.

The weather report on the radio says today, tomorrow, Sunday and Monday will bring more of the same: hazy, hot and humid weather with highs in the low 90s.

Some will grit it out, sweating profusely and coming dangerously close o heat exhaustion or heat stroke. Others--the smart ones--will take The Crimson's advice on how to stay cool. Any one of these 17 sure-fire methods will provide some much-needed relief from the heat.

1. Lawn sprinklers. The grass in Harvard Yard must be green, no matter how hot it gets. Is it fair for vegetation--mere grass, for goodness sakes--to bathe in the cool sprays of refreshing water while you walk by boiling? Of course not.

The technique: Walk through the sprinkler spray.

Advantages: The water is cold and will cool you off effectively and quickly. Your wet clothes will keep you cool as the water evaporates.

Disadvantages: The sprinklers usually go on in the evening, when it's starting to cool off anyway.

Variations: Run through the sprinkler spray. Sit or stand on a sprinkler head.

2. Ice cream. The Harvard Square area of Cambridge is a mecca for ice cream lovers. Baskin-Robbins, Herrell's, Swenson's, Steve's, Christina's, Emack and Bolio's and Toscanini's are all within walking distance.

The technique: Order a cone and eat it quickly before it melts all over you. Don't eat it too quickly, or you'll get a headache.

Advantages: Great taste.

Disadvantages: Calories, fat and cholesterol.

Variations: Try a sundae, milkshake or frozen yogurt.

3. Lemonade. This drink cools you off not simply because it's cold liquid served with ice, but because of some mysterious chemistry between lemon, sugar and the human tongue. A lemon is, well, a cool fruit.

In Harvard Square, try Au Bon Pain or Rebecca's Cafe for decent versions.

Advantages: Cool.

Disadvantages: Sometimes the lemonade is too sweet. Sometimes there's too much ice.

Variations: Other cold drinks, such as iced tea or iced coffee, can also cool you off.

4. Whale watch. Not only cool, but educational. The ocean and wind will cool you off, and the whales will wow you.

Many whale watch boats cruise out of Lynn, Gloucester or Cape Cod, but one of the best whale watches departs right from Boston Harbor. Run by the New England Aquarium, the cruises depart daily at 11 a.m. and 5 p.m. Reservations are recommended (call 9735281), and the prices are a hefty $23 for adults, $18.50 for college students.

Take the T from Harvard Square to the Aquarium stop on the Blue Line. (Or take the Red Line to South Station and walk along the Harbor toward Rowe's Wharf and the Long Wharf Marriott. The New England Aquarium is right there.)

Advantages: You'll be cool for the whole day.

Disadvantages: You may get seasick.

Variations: Skip the boat ride and just hung out in the Aquarium and look at the fish in the big tank. It's air-conditioned.

5. Beach: A classic hot-weather escape. Two ocean beaches are easily accessible by T: Wollaston Beach, on the Red Line; and Revere Beach, on the Blue Line. Revere Beach is the bigger of the two.

Commuter rail and a walk will take you to Walden Pond, made famous by Harvard's own Henry David Thoreau, Class of 1837.

Advantages: A swim will cool you off. Revere Beach has camp value. Walden is transcendental.

Disadvantages: Crowds, the hot sun, screaming children, cigarette butts in the sand, sunburn.

Variations: The nicest beaches in the area are on Cape Cod and up near Cape Ann. Getting there by public transportation is a challenge, however.

6. Pool: Cambridge has one public outdoor swimming pool. It's called the Gold Star Pool, and it's at the corner of Berkshire and Cambridge Streets, behind the Harrington School in East Cambridge.

The pool is open from 12:30 to 6:45 p.m. Admission is 75 cents.

Advantages: A swim will refresh you.

Disadvantages: You'll smell like chlorine.

Variations: You could always go swimming at the indoor pool at the Malkin Athletic Center.

7. Air conditioning: If you're too hot outside, go inside, where you'll be too cold. Climate control still has yet to be fully effective, but it's a start.

If you don't have air conditioning at home, you can get a job in an air-conditioned office. You can study in an air-conditioned library. You can eat in an air-conditioned restaurant, or you can view a movie in an air-conditioned theater.

Buying a box air conditioner (the kind you put in your window)i can cost hundreds of dollars. Units are available at Lechmere and other major appliance stores. But check with your building superintendent before you buy--some dorms may not allow the unsightly boxes to mar their windows.

Advantages: Stay cool at home.

Disadvantages: High energy consumption.

Variations: If you're really rich, maybe your parents could endow central air conditioning for a dorm or for all the Harvard houses.

8. Fan: Cooling by convection and creating a cool breeze, fans are cheaper than air conditioning and can be had at the Harvard Coop and at Dickson Brothers hardware store. The Coop has them on sale at 20 percent off, at prices ranging from $12.99 to $27.99.

Advantages: Low cost.

Disadvantages: Noise, sort range.

Variations: Box fan, oscillating fans of various sizes. Ceiling fans, a la "Casablanca" add a touch of class.

9. Hat: There's something paradoxical about hats, which we are told to wear when it is very cold and when it is very cold and when it is very hot. A proper summer hat keeps the sun off your head, face and neck.

Advantages: Portability, fashion capabilities.

Disadvantages: Some people just don't look good in hats. And they don't work very well indoors.

Variations: Red Sox hats are a Boston favorite. Straw pith helmets, boaters or cowboy hats are cool, as are hats with solar-powered fans built in. Terry-cloth hats can be soaked in cold water, then placed for an evaporative cooling effect.

10. Sunglasses: Sunglasses don't actually change the temperature of the air around you, and metal frames can actually get pretty hot. But sunglasses will keep the rays out of your eyes, and they just may contribute to making you look cooler.

Advantages: Save your eyes from damaging rays.

Disadvantages: Can be uncomfortable on your face.

Variations: Ray Ban and Vuarnet are the coolest.

11. Travel: This can get expensive. But if you're really fed up, Omni Travel in Harvard Square can set you up with a round trip ticket to Alaska. Leave today to fly to Anchorage and return Monday, you'll pay $1,106 each way. It's cheaper if you reserve in advance.

Advantages: It's cooler there.

Disadvantages: It's long airplane ride each way.

Variations: You could also take a cruise to Antarctica.

12. Science Center fountain: At Harvard, instead of cracking open fire hydrants, intellectuals frolic in a fountain designed to demonstrate Brownian motion and the refraction of light. Still, water is wet, no matter how you dunk yourself in it.

Advantages: Convenient location.

Disadvantages: You can't swim. There are huge rocks everywhere. You're sharing the area with dogs and diapered children.

13. Go nocturnal: It's cooler at night. Try to get your teacher or your boss to let you work at night and sleep during the day. Desert animals use this method successfully.

Advantages: For those who love the Cambridge night life, it's a natural fit.

Disadvantages: You'll be pale and out of sync with most of the rest of the world.

Variations: You could just sleep 24 hours a day. If you're asleep, you probably won't notice the heat.

14. Ice: The symbolic essence of cool, ice is available in cubes from you refrigerator or in bags from Store 24. Put it in your drinks, against your skin or down your friend's shift.

Advantages: Cold, cheap.

Disadvantages. Heavy to carry in large quantities. Melts fast.

Variations: You can buy colorful plastic cubes with liquid inside at some gourmet stores. The idea is that they don't water down your drink or ruin the taste.

15. Wet towels: A thick, soaking wet cold towel, wrapped around your head turban-style, is just the thing to beat the heat.

Advantages: Cold, convenient. Everyone has a towel and a cold water faucet.

Disadvantages: You look silly and drip all over the furniture.

Variations: Try draping a wet, cold towel over your shoulders.

16. Seersucker. This miracle fabric (along with khaki) worked for the British Empire, at least for a while. It works for Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III. It can work for you.

Brooks Brothers makes suits and blazers in blue and white stripes and black and white stripes for both men and women.

Advantages: Look crisp, stay cool.

Disadvantages: How can wearing a jacket make you cooler?

Variations: The aforementioned blue or black stripes.

17. Attitude. This is the secret weapon, to be used when all else fails. Just think cool thoughts, and you'll be OK, at least until winter hits.