Bits of Sex And Violence

On the Radio

It's not too sexy for the charts.

Right Said Fred's "I'm Too Sexy" has leapt to the top. Number One!

"Sex dominates the charts!" screams Charisma Records' propaganda machine.

How does it happen that a British group unknown in America skyrockets to the top of the heap? 15 Minutes has conducted a musicological/social-scientific/sexually-oriented analysis of the success of the song. Here are the results:

The Vide. The three muscular men who make up Right Said Fred objectify themselves in the most beautiful of ways. They strut, they preen, they flex, they "shake their little tushes on the catwalk." Delicious.

The beat. Back to the eighties with a vengeance. Throw in a touch of disco, and there's a perfect mix. It funks, it pulsates, it sexes, if "you know what I mean."

The lyrics. The best lyrics of any song in the nineties. Simple, yet far-out. Built around a theme common to many Americans. Too much darn sexuality. Indeed, few among us have not thought that they were "Too sexy for their cat."

When the group proclaims collectively, "I'm a model. You know what I mean," we understand what they mean. To be a model. We understand.

The satire is unmatched in modern lyrics. It bites and it tickles. In fact, Peter Albertelli of Charisma Records says that the song's success can be directly attributed to its "sense of humor in these hard times." Blame the recession for everything.

If you want to see the shaking of the tushes live, you will have the chance! Too Sexy! Right Said Fred! MTV Spring Break Bash In Daytona!

They're too sexy for this mag.

Person of the Week: Jeff Dahmer

With the commencement of the insanity trial of Jeff "the Chef" Dahmer, the nation has once again dipped its curious hand into the blue plastic barrels filled with rotting flesh and bone.

Of course, Newsweek wants us to remember that there are potential Jeff Dahmers everywhere; seemingly normal, ultra-average men leading outrageously dull lives until they snap and begin to kill. With Dahmer, however, this ordinary Joe turned psychotic serial killer theory turns sour. What kind of everyday guy

Jones stands contradicted by a sideburn wearer."There are two reasons why I wear sideburns. Thefirst is that I wanted to be like Luke Perry andJason Priestley." said Harvard sophomore JeremyBarnum, as he watched the gang of West Beverly."Mine are more like Luke's. Jason's are kind offlared at the ends."

Barnum added that he also wears 'burns tocompensate for his receding hairline.

Jones also claims that Perry and Priestley woresideburns of their own free will before they everbecame this year's version of the New Kids On TheBlock.

Perry's sideburned look has led to comparisonswith James Dean. Jones says that this, too, iscoincidence. "Luke tries harder than anyone todifferentiate himself from James Dean. He hatesthe constant comparisons."

Sure. Being compared to a legendary sex symbolcould really hurt an actor's career.

The whole alleged 90's sideburn phenomenon canbe compared to Perry--a weak imitation of theoriginal. Like bell-bottoms and acid-washed jeans,sideburns will probably soon be nothing more thana distant fashion memory.

The question is, for how long? 2010 is justaround the corner...

spends his childhood dismembering local animalsand pets and propping their heads on stakes in hisbackyard? Is everyone sexually molested at eightby a neighbor? Okay, so it's fairly normal to pickup men, drug them, and bind their naked bodies, asDahmer did to several people before his anticsturned murderous.

One side effect of the trial's opening is allthe characters who are coming out of the woodworkwith interesting testimonials about theirexperiences in the Dahmer household. One such taleappears in this week's Sun:

"My life has been a living hell of violentnausea and terrifying nightmares ever since theawful day I ate a strange sandwich given to me bythat maniac Jeffrey Dahmer."

The unnamed source continues with a descriptionof the sandwich:

"I figured I could run to McDonald's to grab abite at lunchtime. But Jeffrey stopped me andoffered to share one of his large 'meatloaf'sandwiches with me."

The current question is, what will happen toJeff Dahmer? We know, at least, that he won't beshot, for he'll spend the entire trial behind aneight-foot high bulletproof wall separating himfrom ogling spectators. In twenty years, let'sassume that he'll be in an insane asylum,prevented by a strait-jacket from munching his ownbody parts. In any case, we will have more or lessforgotten about J.D. and his merry apartment.The SunJeff Dahmer