Lick Me, You Fool !

IN A CURRENT radio ad, a man explains that his wife has figured out how to end the recession: print advertisements on stamps. This would stimulate the advertisement industry, lead to more consumption by the people reading the ads, pave the way for bigger stamps for bigger ads, and thus solve our economic woes. At some point in the radio spot, the man wonders if stamps are not supposed to be symbols of the government and if this idea might be, well, degrading.

That's an interesting thought, the idea that government might be respectable enough that it could be degraded. Unfortunately, commercialized degradation as a symbol of our government is not inappropriate at all. Just ask President Bush.

Bush, of course, has been starring in commercials shown around the world, asking foreigners to buy expensive, lowquality American exports. Once upon a time a president might have thought that debasing himself in front of billions of foreigners was cheap and repugnant.

Can you picture Abraham Lincoln prostituting himself for inefficient industries and bloated management? Would FDR have sullied his hands with such garbage?

These times, apparently, are past. It is worth noting that our President appears in more ads overseas than does Madonna, the former quintessential American commercial whore.

Even Iraq's Saddam Hussein, not normally noted for his esteemed governance, would not lower himself that far. The Iraqi government recently criticized our prostitute of a leader by sarcastically recommending that George Bush stay out of the internal affairs of Iraq and "concentrate his efforts on succeeding in his new job as a salesman of cars."

RECENT YEARS may have illustrated the futility of communism, but they have not disproven the theories of Karl Marx. Marx predicted that in a capitalistic state, government must inevitably be the tool of the bourgeoisie. And that Marx was right is certainly the first thought that comes to mind when one hears that President Bush (or, rather, president, as he can hardly be said to merit a capitalized title) is now a celebrity spokesman for Chrysler.

Three fourths of our bilateral trade deficit with Japan comes from the importation of automobiles, evoking the image of bloated American executives (who make 10 times the salary of their Japanese counterparts and preside over companies about one-tenth as successful) calling on the president to advertise for them when business, as always, is bad--a great deal as long as Bush does not charge.

In fact, Bush could make a lot of money for product endorsements if he wanted to collect. The American film industry isn't above extorting advertisers to put products into films. Remember the Reeses' Pieces in E.T.? That wasn't Eliot's favorite candy--M&M just didn't want to kick into Sam Spielberg's college tuition.

And in this Olympic year, every product is trying to latch on as the official sponsor of international good will, team spirit and lots and lots of money. Ordinary North American supermen--Dan and Dave--have Reebok pumps. Couldn't we all be great athletes like them if we had them too?

It probably wouldn't be out of line for Bush to entice a major industrial sponsor. He tried it with J.C. Penny's earlier this year. He also recently co-opted Arnold Schwarzenegger to campaign for him. If Bush went for Diet Coke or Dow Chemicals next, he might start faring better in the polls. And he would have much more interesting commercials.

BUT EVEN more frightening than the presidency prostituting itself for appallingly rich, incompetent business executives is that its doing so does not seem new or surprising to most Americans. The Japanese would no doubt have shot their Prime Minister--or demanded that he commit suicide--if he had disgraced their country so badly.

But we Americans have been fed such a consumerist diet for so long (epitomized by Reagan, but then, even he did not sink this low) that we no longer think it strange that our politicians lack dignity. It is difficult for Americans to step back and remember that the present horror is just that, and not at all a natural or necessary one. And it is almost impossible for us to conceive of politics as actually being noble.

But we should try. Philosophers from Aristotle to the present have extolled the good inherent in political life. Genevan Jean-Jacques Rousseau conceived of the public life as the sole basis of virtue in human beings. This is the ideal of which we have lost sight. Instead, for us, political participation is a dirty word.

Hundreds of college students will be employed by political action committees this summer. What do their job application letters say? Certainly not what the students are thinking: "Dear Sir or Madam: Next to our president, your organization is the single greatest obstruction to the effective functioning of a dignified government. I am repulsed by what you do and appalled by the suggestion that I would work for you."

GARRY TRUDEAU brilliantly sums up this depressing state of affairs in the "Doonesbury" episode in which a man asks if singers are tired of having their reputations tarnished by suggestions of having affairs with politicians.

But there is some hope. When Madonna's Truth or Dare movie came out, following her "Justify My Love" scandal, many Americans breathed a sigh of relief. She had done it all. There was just nothing left that could be more shocking or obscene. Perhaps this is our consolation for Bush's shameful appearance on television advertisements.

American government no longer has any dignity left to lose. Before long we will probably have the stamp ads envisioned by the woman on the radio commercial.

So go ahead and lick them--just for the taste of it...sponsored by Diet Coke and the Committee to Re-Elect George Bush.

I'll be sending all my mail UPS.