Understanding the Romance Novel

When the Chanel No. 5 is ineffective, when the phone doesn't ring, when the nights of passion exist only in fantasy--when love just isn't happening--then it's time to resort to something else. If you can't live like a Casanova, you can at least read about someone who does.

Or better yet, don't waste your time reading--just look: The covers of romance novels are a feast for the eyes of the lovelorn. And they probably summarize the most exciting paragraphs of the book, anyway.

But be aware of the formulaic patterns. A close examination of various romance novels' covers suggests that passion is more easily dissected and deconstructed than we might think.

I. Anatomy. The woman's thigh and throat and the man's bare chest are commonly featured. These three sensual body parts come together in The Bent Knee Pose.

II. The Bent Knee Pose. The Bent Knee Pose is the position of choice for 99 percent of all romance novel couples.

The woman is slightly bent backwards, her head tilted back. Her leg is raised, pressed to the man's waist, and bent at the knee; her dress is pushed back to reveal the thigh.

Meanwhile, the man leans forward, preparing to kiss the woman's exposed throat. His hand, placed on her thigh, apparently supports her leg. His other hand might be anywhere.

III. Facial Expression. The woman's eyes are almost always closed. Her lips are open, and indicate to the reader that she's thinking, "Wow. This guy is the one." Closed lips might accidentally suggest she is thinking, "Did I leave the oven on?"

IV. Hair volume and color. More than half of the cover of Rebecca Brandewyne's Rainbow's End is gorgeous red hair that would make Sy Sperling weep in envy. Indeed, the woman on these covers is usually a redhead, her carrottop blazing in technicolor glory. This makes sense, since red is the color of fire trucks (read: heat), apples (read: "fall from innocence") and the best-selling shade of lipstick in America (read: sex symbol.) The association is obvious. Blondes are the next most popular, followed by brunettes.

V. Wardrobe. The man, as mentioned above, is shirtless, or else in the process of becoming shirtless, thanks to the woman's eager hands. Tight pants complete his costume. Often, he wears a revolver on his belt as a symbol of power. Bertice Small's novel, The Spitfire, breaks the mold in that it portrays a man wearing a skirt. Well, okay, a kilt.

The woman's clothing is a more complex matter. Necklines are low, low, low: no turtlenecks here. The dresses frequently seem inappropriately bright for the historical period. The acidic green gown on the cover of Frontier Flame...the obnoxiously fuschia dress pictured on Lawless...the electric, leathery blue gown shown on The Spitfire... probably anachronistic, but sexy.

VI. The Great Outdoors. Though surroundings seem to be secondary, environments do tend to be conducive to lovemaking. Skies are often a sultry red. Water imagery is popular, symbolizing rebirth in sexual union. Tumultous seas represent the power struggle. Lush vegetation alludes to fertility. Flowers are always present in the cover's corners, though they may vary from pristine daisies to exotic, unrecognizable-yet-obviously-tropical blossoms.

VII. The Wild Kingdom. Several illustrations include furry/feathered voyeurs: seagulls. (With open beaks.) Horses, frequently white. Two white wolves. A polar bear. Even cows. But they don't watch the lovers. They chew their cud.

VIII. Problems. Unfortunately, many romance novel covers reveal an artist's lack of skill. Eden, by Cordia Byers, shows a couple lying in a barn full of hay. But what exactly is the woman leaning on? It's unclear what is supporting her back, though apparently, from the position of her legs, she is leaning on something; perhaps a bale of hay.

The cover of Devil's Moon, by Suzannah Davis, demonstrates that the artist has not yet mastered the human expression: The woman's mouth is twisted in an ugly, contorted "O," and she's showing too many teeth. And the couple pictured on the cover of Lori Copeland's Passion's Captive are watched by white wolves in the midst of a snowy forest...where daisies are growing.

IX. Trends of the Future. What new innovations in romantic illustration will the 90s see? The covers of the "Loveswept" series reveal a sinister trend: the mass-production of passion. These novels are given serial numbers, and feature dull, flat and hastily painted illustrations. The clothing is not as vibrant, the hair not as brilliant or flowing.

Yet the "Loveswept" covers show a willingness to progress. Terry Lawrence's Ever Since Adam (#517) takes place on a spaceship. The man sports a cool state-of-the-art watch; the woman has a short, stylish haircut and is wearing only a bath towel. Here is a cover which is not afraid to face the future. On the back of the book, we read that "Adam Strade made [the heroine] tingle like a rocket seconds before ignition..."

No matter that this is the age of technology. Romance novel covers will continue to make us tingle. And they'll continue to make us flip through their pages, in search of The Good Parts.