Dissed: No Go at Necco

This article should have been about my fascinating tour of the New England Confectionery Company (Necco), located in Cambridge. Necco is the creator of those little candy conversation hearts, the ones printed with saying like "Luv Ya" or "Hot Mama."

It was going to be a fun piece. I was excited. I called Necco. They said, "Sorry, we don't give tours."

I expected to be kept out of Spike Lee's course. Getting lotteried out of "Myth of America" was a little more irritating, but I'll just take it next year. But being prohibited from entering a candy company?

The Necco people told me it was "policy." If I came in to tour the building, I'd be a "distraction." So since I didn't get to write the article, I've had time to formulate theories on the real reason Why I Can't Get Into Necco:

1. The Willy Wonka Theory. Okay, so the candy recipes are top secret. Not only that, but I'm not supposed to see any Oompa Loompa guys running around because I'll report Necco for violating child labor laws.

2. The Disappointing Truth Theory. There's nothing to see, after all. Necco is ashamed that their conversation hearts are--well--easy to make (3 T. sugar, 1 t. dye, 1 t. chalk dust. Yield: one conversation heart). They're afraid to let me see that the catchy sayings are not generated by the whimsy of a human mind but by a gigantic, humorless computer, nicknamed "The Lovemaster."

3. The Bah-Humbug/Love Sucks Theory. Necco's not letting me into the factory because the CEO is an unfeeling cold fish. He made the "no tours policy" because he's bitter and he thinks that Valentine's Day is sappy. For years he's lived a personal hell of coming up with cutesy sayings for other people's corny love lives. Every night he comes home from work, watches "Love Connection," and laughs until the tears roll down his cheeks.

4. The Jeff Dahmer Theory. Dahmer worked in a chocolate factory. Enough said.

Come on, Mr. Necco Bigwig. Get rid of your attitude problem. It's Valentine's Day; it's the season for romance. Have a heart! (Whoa--sorry). Oh, Chief Executive Officer, haven't you ever been in love?