Burning Down the House

Do we really need monarchs in our New World Order? It's a hard question to answer. While the British might appreciate the taxes when the Royal family finally coughs up some dough in April, the sight of Queen Elizabeth in her Wellington boots surveying the fire damage to Windsor Castle wasn't exactly the height of glamor. Is our morale better with royalty, or, in the words of Al Gore, is it time for them to go? Beth L. Pinsker

Pros

.Could turn what's left of Windsor Castle into a shopping mall with an indoor amusement park (i.e., "Bloody Mary's Haunted House of Horror.")

.Public domain for all those medieval instruments of torture.

.Fergie on Oprah.

.Tabloids can devote more time to UFO sightings and mysterious corn field circles.

.World monarchs seeking refuge will boost tax revenues in the United States.

.The people on soap operas will be the most glamorous people in the world.

.Prince Charles will be available to replace Allistair Cooke as host of Masterpiece Theater.

Cons

.Drunk people in pubs and soccor matches couldn't sing "God Save the Queen."

.Would have to give up royal box in theaters to Prince or Queen Latifah.

.Ruins the joke, "Do you have Prince Albert in a can?"

.No more H.M.S. Pinafore.

.At Wimbledon, the players will have to bow to Jack Nicholson and there won't be any reason that John MacEnroe can't use more expletives than an Eddie Murphy concert.

.Liberace isn't around anymore to enjoy Christie's auction of the Crown Jewels.

.Diana will write a book about the monarchy revealing even more details about her terrible exciting husband.