Tips for the Socially Challenged

As the holidays approach, invitations to various social gatherings and house parties are increasing exponentially. In the unceasing jockeying and posturing for position, it is important to plot one's strategy in advance. The following tips are essential for a successful season on the Harvard social circuit:

. Choose and spill your drinks judiciously. By choosing a domestic wine, you clearly emphasize your priorities while cunningly revealing your awareness of current trade issues.

A spilled Chardonnay occasions little response. A spilled Burgundy (on anything, especially white brocade) may require you to leave the country permanently. For the underage among us, spilled apple cider produces similar results.

. Cultivate a look of fascinated attentiveness. Of course it helps if you are genuinely interested in the topic being discussed. Otherwise, insert gasps of reverence at appropriate intervals.

. Casually mention any connections (however tenuous) that you might have to the new First Family-elect. You don't have to be a Friend Of Bill (FOB), you can be a Friend of a Friend Of Bill (FFOB).

Hell, if you've even seen Robert Reich or Larry Summers in the Yard, you're in the loop.

. Remember that retro is back. Take crash courses in arcane dance steps if necessary. A word of caution: disco and leisure suits have not quite attained renewed respectability.

. Remember that the size of a professor's entourage is not always a reliable indicator of her stature in the Harvard community. Some professors are more gregarious than others, but not necessarily more respected.

. Never give out your telephone number. Always take someone else's. The power dynamic shifts irretrievably in your favor. This stance may, however, be problematic if someone's offering you a job lead.

. Be primed for esoteric conversation. It is the rare chemistry concentrator who wants to discuss the poetry of the Tibetan monk Milarepa, but one should always be prepared.

. No proselytizing. This is no time for converting the heathen. Glazed eyes, a slack jaw and frantic waving to a long lost friend are tell-tale signs of terminal boredom.

. Keep an open mind. Don't assume that someone who's casually dressed in everyday life won't be worth cultivating. Never underestimate the redemptive and transforming power of formal wear--even if in real life, the wearer is sartorially challenged.

. Toss off your accomplishments lightly. It is enormously helpful if your senior thesis is the object of a ferocious bidding war on the Manhattan literary scene or if you're a serious contender for a Cabinet appointment.

. Finally, don't try too hard. Nonchalance works wonders.