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I was running behind. One of my Norwegian rower buddies had caught me in Sanders and wouldn't let go of my hair until I agreed to deliver his two recruits to Emerson Hall after class. So afterwards, I had to deal with these Brobdingagian teens who were full of questions about the architecture and curriculum. I got them lumbering over to Emerson as quickly as I could then sprinted to the Crimson building, just in time to hook up my recording equipment to the phone. Did you know that you can buy a phone tap at Radio Shack for six bucks? In fact, you can buy the basic components of a detonation mechanism there for less than you'd pay for a core class sourcebook. And if you need special parts, they'll order them. Ever wonder about that? As it turns out, our friendly electronics store is little more than a supply front for a consortium of paramilitary organizations. Just thought you should know. 12:30 on the ultraprecise Tag Heuer diving watch with scratch-resistant sapphire crystal and unidirectional bezel. Time to call Mark. After informing him per FCC regulation that I was recording our conversation, I began the interview.

So, how much of Et Tu, Babe is tongue in cheek? I, mean, is this you?

I think, in a sense, it's all me, if you scrape away the comic hyperbole of the book. All the fantasies and all the delusions about notoriety and celebrity in the book, although exaggerated vastly, I do have. And I think all people in our generation, or the generations that grew up in the '50s, '60s, '70s, '80s and '90s. I think everyone to some degree or another has been inculcated with these, since we live in a society that's obsessed with celebrity. I think all those are within me, quite truly. I've made comic use by taking them to exponential extremes, but I think I hold within myself the basis of most of what you will read in Et Tu, Babe.

Although you hyperbolize to the extent that the hyperbole takes on a life of its own.

Yeah. I don't merely hyperbolize. I think it's hyperbole to the third or fourth power. I'm not content with merely hyperbolizing. I leave that to the lesser writers of hyperbole.

The megalomaniac--are you celebrating him or making fun of him?

I think that these things exist in all of us, and that it might be a good idea to take a better look at it, and to be more honest about it. I think that people tend to be very disingenuous, and very prissy in a way, in attacking the way, for instance, that media manipulates language, in the way that the advertising industry has taken over aspects of our culture that we had tried to keep pristine. And yet we don't acknowledge the ways in which we use these same kinds of strategies and tactics and mechanisms to impose our fantasies of ourselves on each other, in very personal ways, in very intimate ways, in familiar ways. You know what I mean?

Well, could you give an example?

You know, when we look at ourselves in the mirror, we have a certain persona that we have concocted for ourselves. And we try to fix our hair, and dress, and have a certain facial expression that fits that model that we've cooked up for ourselves. Then, we need to use various ways of imposing that image of ourselves on other people. And it's a kind of marketing. It's a kind of personal marketing. We tend to be careful in the way we organize the stories we tell each other the stories that we tell each other at the end of the day about what happened to us, so that the narration of our day is consistent with the image that we have formulated for ourselves. You know, tones of voice, etc., etc. So we're walking-talking-marketing strategies geared to promulgating this version of ourselves that we've cooked up by the time we're 18, 19, 20. You understand?

Yeah. So, why should college kids shell out to buy your book?

I think it's a crucial moment. This book has appeared at a time that it's most profoundly needed by people. First of all, people are about to make a big decision, aren't they, in this election. I think that the convoluted folds of people's brains are filled with some sort of gook and glop. It's not possible for them to think clearly. And I think that laughter, the kind of laughter that my book generates, will serve as a kind of dental floss for the convoluted folds of people's brains so that they are able to make a perspicacious choice on November third. It's never been more important. I mean, 17 dollars is nothing.

So it's a political thing?

No, it's a medical thing. It's...how seriously do you take me?

Not too...I mean, not, not, not nearly as seriously as The New York Times takes you, I guarantee.

I'm not going to take any of your questions seriously now.

Well, do you want me to take you seriously?

Yes. No. Yes. No. Um, no, I think we're doing fine. I think we should proceed in this spirit.

Excellent. So, what's the big problem with the world, according to Mark Leyner?

I think it's a combination of stupidity and physical cowardice.

Physical cowardice? Could you elaborate on that?

I just think that somehow, something's gone awry in our genetic destiny. This sounds sort of Nietzschian, I think. But somehow, the genetic mastermind behind our evolution is allowing too many congenital morons to get through. Andalso, I think it's very important for people tojust be in better shape. I think it's disgustingto see, especially among writers andintellectuals. They're a bunch of little mice.

I know. No beef. It's totally depressing,isn't it?

It's not good. One can't be a true leader ofthe culture without being fit. I mean, isn't itdepressing? Just look at the candidates forpresidency! I mean, obviously people need to votefor Clinton to get Bush out of there, but theseshots of him on television, jogging...this guyshould be a glittering paradigm of what the man ofthe 21st century needs to be.

Yeah, he needs a personal trainer, bigtime.Do you get into weights and physical training tothe degree that the narrator does?

I'm in great shape. I work out about an hourand a half every day and then run four or fivemiles every day. So, I try.

Nautilus or free weights?

Both.

Excellent. Would you hang out with a carboncopy of yourself?

If only it were possible.

Do you think that you appeal to a maleversus a female audience? Are you trying to?What's your attitude towards that?

I would certainly want to have a completelymixed audience. I think at first glance, one mightthink that my fiction may be boys' fiction,because it's outrageous and full of science andbody fluids, etc, etc. I think if one gave asuperficial glance to it, one might say it's morefun for boys. But it is absolutely not the case.It's not even that I'm saying I don't want it tobe the case. Obviously I don't want it to be thecase. I very much want to have hundreds of collegegirls ouside my hotel room when I come to Boston.

But I've noticed as I've been on this tour thatwomen love this stuff. And in fact, when I read,there's a certain part of my program that mypublicists have told me not to read because itmakes women squirm. And so obviously, I'vecontinued to read it. But I've noticed that itmakes women squirm, but with pleasure, not becausethey're uncomfortable with it. I have--I knowthis, just from mail I get from the people thatbuy my books--a completely equally mixed audience,in terms of gender. There are people that say thatyou have to fall within a certain age range topick up on all the references in my book, and thatmay be true. But I'm not writing the way I'mwriting to express any particular generation. I'mwriting the way I write because it's really theonly way of writing that interests me. In a sense,it's the only way I can write because of thecultural forces that have warped my personalityover the past 36 years.

Those being?

Those being a fairly rigorous education inclassical literature, a life-long openness toelectronic media and its influences, liketelevision, rock n' roll, television commercials,movies, newspapers, magazines. I am omnivorousabout all of these things. I can't devour enoughnewspapers and magazines in a day, and I've alwaysbeen this way. It's not something I'm doingbecause it's a professional necessity. So I thinkthe reason that I'm becoming as popular as I amamong this generation is because I am working in astyle that allows these sorts of forces to comeinto play as much as I do.

What's your opinion towards television?

My opinion towards television is that it's beenas crucial a part of my environment as trees werea part of Thoreau's environment. I don't thinktelevision is wonderful. I don't think it's amenace to society. I just think it's been acritical part of my world, and it would beintellectually dishonest of me not to allow itsinfluence into my work. And I think the thing,more than anything, that interests me, in terms oftelevision, is the formal grammar of television,its speed, the kinetic way that televisionbombards us with energy, the remarkable ability oftelevision to blast you with thousands of imagesin 30, 60, 90 seconds. I'm more interested in thestyle of television in its pure form. I'm muchmore interested in that than shows that are ontelevision. I really don't watch the shows thatare on television. I have no idea what the networklineup is this season. The kinds of things I watchon television tend to be programs that most purelyexpress television form, things like CNN, HomeShopping Network, ESPN, you know, the sportschannel. I have developed this fascination withthe women's bowling league.

Since when?

This has been happening over the past year. Ieven know the players now. I don't need to see thelittle caption under their pictures anymore.

What's the source of this fascination? Is itcompletely random or something deeply rooted?

I don't know. There's some erotic component inwatching a woman sitting there trying not to lookat her opponent, who's bowling.

I see. Not.

You know what I think also it is? I've alwayshad this fantasy about spending a year on theprofessional bowling league, but doing it in thefollowing way: I wouldn't have my own ball orshoes, so at the beginning of the program, they'dhave to wait 10 minutes while I get my shoes andgo pick out a ball. I think that would be such acool way for TV to cover bowling.

What intoxicant do you find is best forliterary inspiration?

Testosterone. And, whatever naturalneurotransmitters one has up there. I have neverwritten anything of any value under the influenceof alcohol or any drug.

Well, that's very family values-oriented ofyou.

I just don't think that for me, personally,they're useful as a writer, as I'm writing. Thecloset I get is coffee and Sudafed, of which,actually, I'm under the influence now. That's agood combination, actually.

Maybe I'll try it sometime. Do you have anyadvice to an aspiring writer?

Don't get in my way.

Any message you'd like to project to Harvardstudents? We are the cultural elite, you know.

Yeah, I know. This is what I'd like. First ofall, we've already talked about the fact that it'simportant to buy this book. But I think that it'simportant for people to look at the book not as abook of fiction, necessarily. I think this willparticularly help Harvard students, because Ithink they're ready for what I'm really trying todo. My books are just the beginning of a muchlarger plan.

Is it secret, or can you tell me?

It's secret, but the way that I'm bringingtogether the people that will be with me at theend is through this book. These people will knowwho they are once they've read the book. I thinkpeople should look at my book in the same way thatpeople look at L. Ron Hubbard's Dianetics.There are answers in my book.

So you aspire to cult helmsmanship?

Well, of course. People have been saying thatfor a long time, but they don't take it seriously.And I'm gonna--we will all have the last laugh.

Mark Leyner will be appearing at theCharlesbank Bookstore on October 28 from 7 to 8pm.Author Mark Leyner