Mike Ditka, Ray Handley and Joe Restic

In this wild and crazy election year, Harvard Coach Joe Restic should consider running for public office.

The sixtysomething football coach has the gruffgrumpy-old-man-vote sown up. He's got the gumption to say what he thinks.

And he's got the press-bashing part down cold.

Restic is not often mentioned in the same breath as Chicago Bears Coach Mike Ditka or New York Giants Coach Ray Handley for his coaching skills, but his post-game press conferences are equal, if not superior, to both.

His latest performance was a masterpiece. After Harvard's 31-29 loss to Lafayette, Restic waited in the locker room until nearly all his players had boarded the bus. When he finally emerged, the following exchange took place:

The Crimson (a.k.a. me): "How did you feel after the game?"

Restic: "Terrible. We lost."

The Crimson: "But what about the positives?"

(Harvard had nearly come back to win for the first time in two years. The question was a softball to get him talking. And oh, did Restic start talking.)

Restic (after a pause, then with disgusted look on his face): "Sure I do, my gosh (starts walking toward the bus at a rapid clip), why would you even ask a question like that...why would you even ask...my gosh...silly question...we lost..."

The Crimson (running behind him): "Your offense scored 29 points."

Restic: "How do you expect me to feel? I feel positive about that. Jesus...assume that. What should I think about that? Jesus..."

Still muttering at high speed, Restic jumped on the team bus. The conference was over.

The whole incident was quite revealing. I did not know, for instance, that Restic was so religious. Also, Restic has some pretty nifty running moves of his own.

And I can take a hint. I won't try to put a positive spin on the next loss.

But then again, I shouldn't have been surprised. This was, after all, the same guy who took a page from Ditka's playbook and berated the media for its supposed "expertise" after his 30-7 loss to Holy Cross.

This was the exchange on October 3:

A non-Crimson related member of the media pack: "What happened out there today?"

Restic (thoughtfully at first, then with increasing bitterness): "I don't know. I don't know." Then he put his hand on my head like he was palming a basketball and rocked my skull back and forth, saying, "You're the experts, you tell me what happened out there. You tell me."

We obliged, saying it looked like total domination by the Crusaders and what did he think about that. He had some thoughts about that, and the conference went on smoothly from there.

Still, Restic's TV evangelist impression didn't go over so well with me. It reminded me more of Chevy Chase in "Fletch II" than a baptism.

The `Mythical' Second Half Collapse

Restic is fighting another battle with the media over The Second Half Collapse.

The coach denies such a thing even exists as he clings to with a temerity matched only by those who once said the world was flat.

Restic will remain in denial even while his players talk openly about the problem and offer reasons why it happens.

When Harvard stunned Princeton 24-21 last year, Restic led off his press conference with, "Put to rest all that fourth quarter stuff now. It's all done. It's finished."

Unfortunately, Restic's bully pulpit didn't prevent the collapse from returning, and Restic reverted to his earlier position of denial.

Maybe that's why Restic didn't want to talk after the Lafayette game. How can one defeat a monkey which doesn't exist? (The Zen implications are staggering.)

Restic argues that the "collapse" is merely a creation of the press. But how can create these stats? So far this season, the Crimson has scored a total of 45 points in the first half, while its opponents have scored 49. In the second half, Harvard has scored 47 points and allowed 99.

Anyway, better go on down to The Stadium and catch as many games as you can. I hear Restic is considering a job offer in the Republican National Committee's media relations office.

No wonder Bush is in so much trouble.

John B. Trainer is a Crimson staff writer.