Do Unto Others...

The vegecidal maniacs are at it again.

Last fall, self-described "humorists" from the Harvard Lampoon--a semi-sadomasochistic social club that periodically publishes perennially pitiful parodies--massacred Cambridge's brave, defenseless Freedom Tree. With an axe. This violent affront to American liberty and the local environment sickened and saddened us all.

Last week, these coldhearted executioners once again turned to arboreal assassination. In celebration of Phool's Week--the time of the year when middle-aged Lampoon graduates take time off from their jobs as writers for "Babes" and "Rick Dees' Into the Night" to drink grain alcohol and force new recruits to "assume the position"--'Poonsters poisoned the soil in front of their "Castle," an architectural atrocity former Cambridge Mayor Alfred E. Vellucci has rightfully dubbed a "public urinal." The defouled dirt was inteded to hold the seedlings for Freedom Tree II, an innocent flora-to-be nipped in the bud by the pathetic pranksters on Mount Auburn St.

In an ideal world, the Lampoon would show more respect for the well-being of life forms more intelligent than most of its members. (Well, not exactly. In a truly ideal world, the Lampoon would stop littering our campus with inane drivel and go into a more respectable business. Organized crime, perhaps.)

But the world is not ideal, and the Lampoon has proven incapable of listening to reason time and time again. Drastic measures are in order.

Vellucci has convinced the city to place a steel sheet around the base of the Freedom Tree II to stave off the vicious vandals. But if Cambridge really wants to protect this blossom of beauty from its pernicious persecutors, it needs to go further.

Enough of this blame-the-victim mentality. Trees need to breathe, too. The steel sheet should go around the Castle. All the way around. All the way to the top. With a roof. A good construction date: this week, when Frank Sinatra visits. Everyone will be inside. Let 'em rot there.

Enclosing the Castle would rid Cambridge of a nasty eyesore. Trapping the 'Poonsters would rid Harvard of a barbaric horde of cold blooded assassins.

Most important, the steel jail would protect Freedom Tree II from its unrepentant oppressors. Justice would be served. And Cambridge would be a slightly safer place to live--at least for the plants among us.