A Tourist Guide for Pre-Frosh

Congratulations, pre-frosh. You made it to Harvard. I bet you're all asking yourselves the same question. Now that I'm here, what do I do?

The thoughtful folks at the admissions office have, no doubt, already planned out a fun-filled weekend of panels and symposia to keep you busy during your brief stay here. Of course, most of you only have a few days here. No time to sample all of the University's treasures. With that in mind, I, a jaded senior about to graduate, have taken the time to prepare this helpful guide to pre-frosh activities.

Admissions Reception: Skip it. You've already been accepted, so you don't need these people any more.

Dining Halls: Another must-skip. If you decide to come here, you will see plenty of the Harvard Union. But if you see too much of it now, you probably won't want to come.

A Capella Concert: All right, you might as well go to this. Sometime in your Harvard career, you will end up seeing one of these singing groups perform. Might as well get it over with now.

One alarming thing to keep in mind about a capella groups is that they breed. When I was a pre-frosh four years ago, there were only about five of them. There are now at least eight. Statistical projections indicate that by the year 2008, every undergraduate will belong to at least one group.

Ice Cream "Smorgasbord": Don't be fooled by the name. The point of this event will be to stand around in the North House Dining Hall, endlessly repeating your name and place of residence to 500 other pre-frosh. Serious ice cream eaters should check out Herrell's on Dunster St.

In general, avoid any other activities listed on the printed schedule that the admissions office sent you. Predictably, the most interesting things to see and do here have been left off it. Herewith, a few items on my unofficial list of Harvard tourist sites:

Artwork in Adams House Tunnels: I'll bet they don't have tunnels like these back in York, Maine. Adams House gives new meaning to Oscar Wilde's famous dictum that all art is quite useless.

My Old Room in Weld Hall: Check out the cracks in the window frames. A continual blast of icy air flows through the walls here, keeping the entire dormitory in subarctic conditions. One particularly cold morning in January--I swear I am not making this up--I woke up to find that my shampoo had frozen.

If you've brought your hiking boots and you have a little time to kill, trek on over to The Quad. There is about a one in four chance that you will be living here after your first year. Despite its extreme remoteness, the Quad is rich in history. One set of highlights are the weirdly-shaped picnic tables scattered about, remnants of a 1988 Quad Art festival.

Why picnic tables? Myra M. Mayman, the director of the Office for the Arts and, at the time, the Cabot House master, said it best. "You've sat on them or you got laid on them. Everyone has had an experience on a picnic table."

Welcome to Harvard.