Chanukah in the 90's

THERE ARE 20 SHOPPING days left before Christmas. And you know what? I'm not worried at all. My shopping for Chanukah presents is done. I had to brave "Black Friday" at my local mall--the only mall in Lancaster County, Pennsylvania. My mom and I blocked in an Amish buggy in the parking lot. When we got back to our car, the tires were all slashed.

There was something very comforting about coming back to Cambridge after Thanksgiving and seeing all the Christmas lights and pine tree wreaths adorning the Square. I rejoiced in the mall rampages and the Hallmark commercials. It relieves so much pressure not to have to deal with any of that bull.

Chanukah is half over. Or half left, depending on your point of view. What I like best about having Chanukah so early (it started Sunday night) is that it doesn't have to compete with Christmas. We can be all done before the red-and-green fanfare really begins.

Most people know that Chanukah is not the "Jewish Christmas." But demands for "equal time" get the holiday some notice. Newspapers run stories, television networks design bumpers that say "Happy Chanukah" in soft-glow lights, and junior high students have those illuminating multi-cultural discussions. Chanukah gets a lot more play than it deserves.

The actual celebration of Chanukah, however, doesn't change much from year to year. That's the nature of religious holidays. But Chaunkah has adapted to the Nineties in a few important ways.

Low-Cholestoral Chanukah:

For my family (and I assume for most Jewish families), Chanukah centers around food. The whole holiday comes down to some candles, a few spinning tops, some cookies and a whole pile of potato latkes. We have a Chanukah party for the greater Lancaster Jewish community every year (about 12 Jewish people and 40 Christians show up). My mom and I spend days baking for the party.

This year, I went home looking forward to spending some quality time in our cozy kitchen cooking up goodies for both Thanksgiving and Chanukah. When I arrived home, the cupboards instantly reminded me of a holiday horror--my parents had turned health conscious. There was no sugar (my father's a diabetic), no cholestoral (he has high cholestoral), no salt (high blood pressure) and nothing of flavor in the house (no tastebuds either).

The traditional way to eat latkes is to fry them in oil and then serve them with either sour cream or apple sauce. That's how latkes should be eaten.

We ended up compromising on unsaturated fat vegetable oil, non-dairy sour cream and no-sugar apple sauce. We served fruit salad, made cookies with yummy egg-substitutes and played driedel with unsalted peanuts as the reward.

Not exactly the kind of hardy celebration that Judah Maccabee had in mind.

The PC Chanukah:

Chanukah may seem at first to be a relatively innocuous celebration of a miracle. When Judah Maccabee rededicated the Temple in Jerusalem all those years ago, he only had enough oil to light the eternal light (which is supposed to be lit at all times) for one night. Instead, the oil miraculously lasted for eight nights until they could find some more.

But the holiday is also a celebration of a military victory over the repressive King Antiochus and Assyrian Greeks. In today's age of political correctness, any military victory is supposed to be recognized as oppression of some other group. We learned that with Thanksgiving. The PC police should clue in immediately on Chanukah.

Of course, Antiochus started the fight in the first place; he's the bad guy. But that doesn't really matter. In today's warped discourse, we might just be ready for a "Dances with Antiochus," a PC re-telling of the 2000-year-old story.

Shamir's Chanukah:

The second round of Middle East Peace talks was supposed to start in Washington yesterday. Shamir told the U.S. that he wouldn't come until December 9. That's the day after Chanukah. Do we think there's a coincidence?

Since Chanukah is not a major religious holiday, Shamir could work. The rub? He wouldn't get to be with his family during a family-oriented holiday. I bet he would be willing to give that up for world peace.

But imagine this scenario. Shamir is in a marathon meeting with President Assad of Syria. They are about to negotiate a Middle East peace treaty in an official building in Washington. Evening is approaching.

One of Shamir's aides dances in with a menorah. The Israeli delegation lights the candles, sings the prayers and exchanges gifts. Another aide brings in a plate of steaming latkes. Yet another starts a dreidel game. Shamir stands up, breaks into a smile and leads the conference participants in a round of "Rock of Ages."

The Jewish Thanksgiving:

Chanukah might not get a lot of attention this year because it comes so early. But by starting on Thanksgiving weekend, this year's celebration opens up a lot of possibilities. I'm sure at some point during the holiday it was referred to as the "Jewish Thanksgiving," even though the real one happens in September.

Things will get back to normal next year when Chanukah and Christmas overlap.

I guess I shouldn't complain about the misconceptions about Chaunukah. I didn't realize until I was in junior high that Christmas fell on the same day every year. I found this out while I was arguing with my shop teacher because I refused to make Christmas ornaments.

He offered to let me make Chanukah ornaments. I told him that it would be a fire hazard to hang ornaments on my menorah. We compromised and I made a nondenominational knock-hockey set.

Beth L. Pinsker '93, the assistant editorial chair, once believed in the Chanukah Bunny.