Anti-Ant PB&J

IT'S INCREDIBLE HOW much difference a year makes.

Hotbeds of liberalism protested or, at least, questioned U.S. tactics of killing in the Persian Gulf War. Students were, at least, jarred by the scenes of civilian casualties in Iraq. People did anything but sit by quietly as the bombs fell.

But now, when the peanut butter is hitting the fan, all-out warfare is being waged against a distinct community on campus and no one seems to mind.

No, I'm not referring to recent incidents of homophobia, racism or anti-Semitism. I'm not even thinking about final clubs and their sexist attacks on women.

I'm talking about ants. The ants of Dunster House.

As you read this, hundreds of tiny Pharaoh ants are haplessly wandering onto index cards smeared with peanut butter. Little do they know, it is not the same Skippy Louie's sells on the corner. This stuff means business and it's laced with boric acid.

The peanut butter project is now in full swing. Operation DEAD (Death to Every Ant in Dunster) is underway.

THIS IS HOW it works. After a hard day on the job, the worker ants fork over the acid they collected in the peanut butter to the queen ant. The resulting stuffed up intestinal tract leads her to a cruel fate. Without a queen, the colony quickly succumbs to disorganization and death.

True, she's the only one to bite the dust from poison. True, unintended casualties are held to a minimum. But still, ant death by constipation can't be a pretty sight.

Not to worry. No student sees the tragic result of his or her trap-laying. There is no battlefield littered with red corpses.

Operation DEAD exemplifies modern-day sanitized warfare. One is not forced to deal with the consequences of fatal action.

You'd think some Dunster activist would stand up and protest this mass killing. But not so. This murderous spree must fall more in line with the house's annual goat-slaughtering ritual.

I DON'T LIKE KILLING, but when it comes down to it, something has to be done to stop these little critters. Their numbers have been steadily on the rise in a house already begging for breathing space for its human inhabitants.

When asked whether the abundance of ants exacerbated Dunster's rooming shortage, Assistant to the House Masters Carol A. Finn only said, "unless you want to live in the ant-holes, the ants have no effect on Dunster's space shortage problems."

Peanut butter really is the best avenue for a kind and gentle death. Spraying could only be done in the summer, when the house is empty. And anyway, Finn says, "It's more socially acceptable to scrape dead ants off the floor than dead students."

Some students could also be allergic to the anti-ant spray, and Finn's reading of society is pretty accurate.

Baird Professor of Science Edward O. Wilson, Harvard's resident ant-man, gave his stamp of approval to the peanut/acid concoction. Praising its non-toxic effect, Wilson called the Dunster House project, "the magic bullet, fitting the particular circumstances in addition to the species."

Criticism that Operation DEAD might fail since the cold of winter could keep the ants from foraging around students' uncarpeted floors and unheated bedrooms should not be a factor, said Dunster House Master Karel Liem.

Liem valiantly promised to keep students' rooms heated throughout the chilly season or at least until the ants have vanished. "Maybe they'll all come out this week when it warms up and eat themselves silly," added Finn.

Still, some complain that peanut butter is a bad choice. Bleary-eyed students waking up five minutes before class tell of moments of horror, frozen in doubt whether they are about to eat an acid-laced PB&J or the real thing.

But the alternatives, Liem assures Dunsterites, were far worse: tuna or meat. No kidding. Rooms that reek like Boston Harbor or attract carnivorous exoskeletal creatures don't sound too appealing.

Liem, who is also Henry Bryant Bigelow Professor of Icthyology, sought to use his expertise in marine life to solve Dunster's insect infestation. His personal request: "I wish I had ant-eating fish."

Whatever happens to the ant colony that has taken residence in Dunster, Operation DEAD promises to add a little crunch to house life.

And since it will only work if every Dunsterite lays down the peanut butter traps for six weeks in a row, maybe some house-bonding will result from the season's ant-slaying fest.