The Ultimate Experiment

HARVARD OFFERS STUDENTS a number of fantastic ways to make money, but not everyone can handle shelving books or cleaning dormitories. The least-known but best term-time job is free-lancing for the psychology department.

Every year, thousands and thousands of dollars in grant money are given to Psych students so they can finish their theses. Lots of that money could go to you if you're willing to help. The best part is that these future B.F. Skinners don't need help writing, proofreading, or even collating; they need... subjects.

If you walk into the main lobby of William James Hall and look on the bulletin board immediately to the left of the elevators, you will see a large sign that reads, "Subjects Wanted for Experiments. Good Pay. Few Marketable Skills Required." Below that sign you will see sign-up sheets for perhaps 30 experiments. You should be sure to check the board every day, since science continually marches on. There is always new, interesting research which demands human subjects.

A FEW of the better-paying experiments listed publicly ask for specific types of people, making the bulletin board read like some kind of scholarship book from a high school guidance office. Here are some recent examples:

*"Healthy male bicycle enthusiasts needed for study of reflexes and reaction times. Pays $8 for one hour."

*"Menstruating, blue-eyed females whose native tongue is not English needed for study on biology and psycho-linguistics. Pays $20 for two hours."

*"One-legged men, aged 50-60, needed for study of monomania. Seafaring experience an added plus. Pays $250,000 for three-year voyage."

Most of the publicly listed experiments, however, are open to everyone and pay between $5 and $8 and hour. Moreover, once you have done a few of the open experiments--if you have made the right connections--you might be invited back for some better, and more private employment.

In all cases, the working conditions in the research labs are better than you will find in most other student jobs. William James Hall, except for the asbestos problem (which is nearly licked anyway), is a beautiful building in which to work. And you usually will be paid in cash, so you can forget about all those nasty withholding taxes.

You also work under a contract, which is more than you can say for most jobs at the University. For the most part, the contracts are written in plain English and protect your rights completely.

I managed to negotiate a contract for myself in which I was very generous with the terms of my employment. The document reads:

"In exchange for a substantial chunk of change, I promise to be a pliant, obedient guinea pig. The experimenter promises not to leave me a drooling, drug-crazed psychopath (unless, of course, he agrees to pay extra)."

ONE PIECE OF ADVICE to prospective subjects: be sure you get a contract, especially when signing up for the privately organized experiments. You never know what could be done to you, and if your mind is going to be blasted you'd better be damn sure you're benefiting from it.

Another minor drawback of taking part in these experiments is that the feeling of being under a microscope doesn't end when the experiment ends. You will see a hidden camera behind every window. You will find yourself yelling at elevator ceilings, "I know you're up there! I'm normal, God dammit! Stop looking at me!"

Your friends may recommend you seek professional help, but then, that's sort of what caused the problems in the first place. No matter what happens to your feeling of personal security, the rewards are too great to pass up. All your emotional trauma will be worth it if you are allowed to take part in the more exclusive experiments.

These private studies have extra advantages. Few of them actually take place in William James Hall--which must make them fabulously expensive for the examiners. For the convenience of those students who live on the river, the department owns a few posh labs on Mount Auburn St.

The benefits of taking part in such an exclusive series of experiments are so great that the department does not want to publicize them. Most subjects are notified by an envelope slipped under their door at midnight.

In addition, few are allowed to participate immediately. The screening process continues through a number of experiments that--while kind of fun--don't really count for anything (and don't pay either). The experimenters say that the purpose is to help the subjects get to know each other better and maybe do some male bonding.

Participants say that male bonding is the most important justification for the experiments, even more than the tremendous job opportunities available through alumni.

When the screening sessions are complete, those subjects accepted to the final experiment are expected to indicate their formal willingness to participate by giving a letter of acceptance to a department official.

In previous years, the experimenter would meet the participants at the Hasty Pudding Club for a drink or two, but all that has stopped since Dean of Students Archie C. Epps III decided that mixing academics with socializing is not appropriate.

Epps occasionally still meets with members of the department on issues of mutual concern, but officially the University lets the department go about its business without bothering it at all.

You see, elite psychology experiments are part of a grand tradition of Harvard scholarship, and the University should not try to change them in any way.