Derek and Me

UNTIL last week, Derek Bok and I had little in common. He set University policy. I whined about it. He had a neat spread all to himself in Massachusetts Hall. I shared a room in Leverett House with five guys renowned for their "trash art." He was quoted widely in the New York Times. I was just lucky to get my New York Times.

But then Bok decided to resign effective June 1991--the same year as my graduation. In about 12 months, both Bok and I will be unemployed.

As startling as this similarity may seem, I will be the first to acknowledge that our job prospects are somewhat different. While both our resumes are one page long, for example, his entries pack a bit more punch.

But this is just a minor discrepancy. In my three years at Harvard, I have never before felt so close to Bok--or "Derek" I now refer to him affectionately. So rather than do anything stressful such as worry about my own employment prospects, I realized that I owed it to Bok--after all we'd been through together--to analyze his options.

National Basketball Association President: When the late Yale President Bart Giamatti took over Major League Baseball several years ago, some speculated that professional sports had taken its token Ivy League President. These rumors devastated Bok, who has long viewed the presidency of Harvard as a mere stepping stone on the path to becoming the head of his favorite sport--basketball.

But the Derek I know won't give up on his dreams. After a few high-profile tours of the league, a major advertising 'campaign (Bok knows basketball?) and a custom line of sneakers (Re-Boks?), the job will be his for the asking. Odds: 6-1.

Traveling Wilbury:Rumors have it that the musical group has been looking for a guitarist ever since the great Roy Orbison died last year. With his prep school background and solid looks, Bok could add to the group's mainstream appeal. Likewise, even a short stint with Bob Dylan and Tom Petty would go a long way toward rebuilding Bok's activist image. The downside: At this point, Bok's only musical talent consists in being able to sing "10 Thousand Men of Harvard" backwards. Odds: 50-1.

Kiss and Tell Writer: Whether Bok knows it or not, he is sitting on a goldmine. By exposing all the intrigue, duplicity and sex of running Harvard University, Bok could guarantee himself a place on the bestsellers' list--and the lecture tour--for years to come. Acting Dean of the Faculty Henry Rosovsky's The University: An Owner's Manual would pale in comparison to Bok's The University: Tower of Lust. Odds: 15-1..

Game Show Host: Bok's uncanny ability to make small talk with people (such as students) whom he will meet only once makes him the perfect game show host. The key question is which game show should he host.

I suggest a cross between Jeopardy! and Harvard's Core Curriculum. The line Core areas will serve as the subject areas, with occasional double Core questions earning double dollars. Key aspects of the show will include an auditorium too small to hold the studio audience, a paucity of questions in the "Lit and Arts C" and "Moral Reasoning" categories and a large number of bracketed questions held over to the next show. Odds: 5-3.

Shell Oil Spokesperson: In this well-remunerated position, Bok would defend the company's investments in South Africa before the press. Keeping a straight face, he would have to insist that the firm does not make political statements--despite the obvious fact that the investment constitutes involvement in, and sanction of, institutionalized racism.

Actually, this job is not a smart move for Bok. He could use a change. Odds: 9-4.

Joshua M. Sharfstein '91 is editorial chair of The Crimson.