Searching for Jewish Identity

IHATED Hebrew school. So did my roommate. Practically everyone I knew who went hated it as well. If there's one issue nearly all American Jews can agree on, it's that Hebrew school stank.

I hated being stuck inside after the long school day, knowing my friends were out playing. I hated the attitudes of the other students, who disrupted the class and did not want to learn. And most of all, I hated that what we were taught never seemed to have any relevance to our lives.

After all, it wasn't the prayers we didn't understand or the events at Mt. Sinai that made us Jewish--it was the family gatherings at Hannukah and Passover, the special appreciation of Woody Allen, the grandparents who used a bissel (a little) Yiddish. It was corned beef with mustard on rye, not with mayonaise on white. It was having Sunday brunch more religiously than Shabbat meals. It was seeing everyone we knew at synagogue twice a year, and pretending spare ribs didn't count as pork in the Chinese restaurant. And it was suffering an afternoon a week at Hebrew school.

FOR most of my life, these cultural artifacts were the most important connections I had to my Jewish identity. Although my family did not observe many Jewish rituals, it gave me a sense of culture, community and ethnic identity. Growing up, I never gave much thought to the significance of the Jewish religion. I observed the holidays as family events, without much of the meaning behind the motions.

Many conflicts arise, however, when something that is definitely part of an identity is so poorly understood. Heritage is very important, for with stronger roots comes the sense of self needed to be able to understand anyone else. Unfortunately, many American Jews never really get the chance to address the conflicts they feel. We leave Hebrew school when we are children, Hillel seems too exclusive or religious to get involved with, and we don't have the ability or inspiration to learn on our own. And so, the conflicts go unresolved--or else are resolved by chance instead of by reflection.

Myself, I knew I was Jewish, but was not sure what made me so. The things that I called Jewish culture were universally embraced--Johnny Carson says "klutz" and "schlemiel," bagels are eaten everywhere, and Woody Allen is loved by Jews and non-Jews alike--so how did they make me Jewish? I knew I did not want to marry someone who wasn't Jewish, but I could not reconcile that with my commitment to interethnic tolerance and understanding. And if it were only cultural and family ties that made me Jewish, why not marry someone of another background?

Most of all, I wondered if Jewish rituals have any relevance today, or are merely cultural artifacts, not worth giving more consideration to than the way we eat our deli?

Only in the last few years have I begun to learn the relevance of the rituals to my own life. One thing I now see the value of is the Shabbat, of taking a day of rest. Especially here at Harvard, our lives are so fast paced and busy it is often difficult to see the purpose of our work. To have a day of the week to reflect, to spend time with friends and to think about what is important to us beyond the next test or paper is as important today as it ever was. Although I don't observe the laws fully, I treasure this part of my heritage and have a greater appreciation of the laws I do not follow.

I still have so many questions. But I believe it is important to address them, to think about them and not to ignore them. Judaism is a beautiful heritage that has brought a lot to the world and to its people. So many men and women, who have contributed greatly in secular fields, have been proud Jews. I get a special sense of Jewish pride when I read Albert Einstein's quote: "The pursuit of knowledge for its own sake, and almost fanatical love of justice, and the desire for personal independence, these are the features of the Jewish tradition that make me thank my stars I belong to it."

And he didn't even go to Hebrew school.

Laura E. Fein '91 is the coordinator of Chai Week.