TJ, The Ageless Wonder

Someday, 46-year old New York Yankee pitcher Tommy John will retire.

Yeah, right.

Tuesday night at the Metrodome, TJ started his 690th game. And he won his 287th, 4-2, against 28-year-old 1988 Cy Young Award winner Frank Viola.

In his seven-inning outing against the Twins, John gave up 10 hits and pitched out of two bases-loaded jams. Okay, so he's not Sandy Koufax. But neither is Chicago's Greg Maddux. And Maddux is 22.

Okay, assume that John pitches for the next 20 seasons and decides to retire at the ripe age of 66. If he averages 10 wins and 100 strikeouts each season, he would finish his career with 487 wins and 4 227 strikeouts. Not bad.

You say it can't happen. On Tuesday night, TJ won another game and started another season. Hey, if the sinker can still sink...

Sen. Edward M. Kennedy '54-'56 (D-Mass.) could definitely be a sportswriter when he retires from life on Capitol Hill.

Here's an excerpt from Kennedy's Senate resolution, passed Tuesday, honoring the 1989 NCAA champion Harvard hockey team:

"The Harvard team believed in themselves, and they proved the critics wrong who said a team from the East could never win the national title. They said the players from Cambridge could not take a hit, that they were not big enough, that they could not prevail in the corners where games are won and lost. They said that they were not tough enough to do it. But they were wrong."

Hey, Sports Illustrated, hire Kennedy now.

The top 10 things Michigan interim basketball Coach Steve Fisher, who led the Wolverines to the 1989 national championship, should get from Michigan Director of Athletics Bo Schembechler:

10. A McDonald's Happy Meal.

9. Free HBO, Cinemax and Showtime.

8. An "I led the Wolverines to a national title and I haven't lost a game yet" t-shirt.

7. A trip to Hawaii.

6. And Disney World.

5. With a stopover in Paris.

4. A party sponsored by Spuds MacKenzie. Why not? He's the ultimate party animal.

3. His own rock video.

2. All the shrimp he can eat at Beefsteak Charlie's.

1. A job.

I finished last in the Lowell House NCAA basketball pool. Probably because of my insightful Final Four picks: Georgetown, North Carolina, Missouri and, this one's tough to admit, LSU.

Orel Hershiser's agent must be really popular with the Dodger brass. Can you just give Orel $7.9 million now, or else he might have to leave L.A.? Thank you very much.

Here's something from the Illogical Department: Detroit Tiger Keith Moreland will be paid close to $1.5 million this year. What a country.

Forget the NHL playoffs, I'm wondering whether Tulsa can sweep the CBA Eastern Division championship series tonight with a win over Wichita Falls. Tulsa leads, 3-0.

Speaking of the CBA, send the Los Angeles Clippers there until they learn how to play smart basketball.

Okay, even if the Bruins beat the Sabres in the NHL playoffs, they'll probably face the Montreal Canadiens in the next round. What jinx?

And the question of the week: Now that the Chicago Cubs have won their Opening Day game, is it possible that the Cubbies will win the National League East?

Yeah, right.