A Tooth for a Tooth

WILL justice be served?

Over the last two weeks, serious ethical and legal charges have been leveled at Lt. Col. Oliver North, President Bush and House Speaker Jim Wright (D-Texas). If these allegations prove true, these people will have to be punished.

Some legal authorities have already called for prosecution according to the letter of the law. If North, Bush and Wright are guilty, these wimps argue they should be sent to jail. Never mind that "jail" would probably be some cushy condominium near a golf course where the "criminals" could write their memoirs and make millions. Never mind that J. Danforth Quayle would wind up president of the United States.

Other bitter souls call for more extreme punishments. One even suggested giving the trio front row tickets to the British Soccer League championships. But not even the most hard-hearted jury in the country would go for that.

The times obviously demand a bold new approach to the punishment of top political officials in this country. No more pathetic slaps on the wrist but no undue cruelty. Why not go back to the Code of Hammarabi--an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth? In other words, let the punishment fit the crime.

PROSECUTOR John Keker recently accused North of destroying classified government documents and telling "100 percent, old fashioned, all-American lies." For example, North allegedly fabricated a story about a box of cash in his bedroom to cover for his skimming money from illicit Contra aid.

PUNISHMENT: North's birth certificate and driver's license should be confiscated and shredded. He should be forced to go to the Motor Vehicle Administration (MVA) and apply for a new license. Once he reaches the front of the final line at the MVA (approximately every nine hours), his officially stamped form should be shredded, and he should be redirected to the back of Line A.

North's lying to Congress should also be punished in kind. After three or four weeks at the MVA, he should be brought back to the courtroom amidst intense public drama. "Not Guilty," the jury head should announce. But as soon as Ollie jumps up, hugs Betsy and takes his first big bite of apple pie, he should be grabbed and carted off to jail. Goodbye, Oliver. You're going to the circus.

President Bush should be treated no less mercilessly. According to a recently released Justice Department report, he may have coerced the government of Honduras into contributing millions to support the Nicaraguan Contras. His repeated trips to the Central American country and varied tactics paint a picture of a person eager to guarantee the donation of big bucks.

PUNISHMENT: Bush should be locked in a room with the most aggressive sales reps from the top 50 insurance firms in the U.S. He should be let out only when he has agreed to purchase policies equal to the value of his entire salary. Care should be taken, however, to make sure that he is not eaten alive.

Although House Speaker Jim Wright's ethical violations may not have compromised the spirit of the Constitution, they should also be judged harshly. According to the House Ethics Committee, Wright may have tried to circumvent House honoraria limits by telling groups to buy copies of his book. The teamsters, for example, bought more than 2000 copies.

PUNISHMENT: Wright should be tied to a chair and forced to read the memoirs of 2000 teamsters. In Lamont Library. Next to somebody eating an orange. Enough said.

THIS Hammarabian legal system need not be applied solely at a national level. For example, Harvard students were frustrated this spring because Core professors lotteried their courses at the last moment. They felt powerless because University rules permitted such unfair treatment.

PUNISHMENT: President Derek C. Bok should announce a new policy of randomly lotterying Core professors out of their tenure track (or tenured) positions. Sorry, Seymour and Anna. Better luck next year.

Dean of the College L. Fred Jewett '57's master plan to randomize the House system next year is also ripe for the eye-for-an-eye approach. Why not randomize University-affiliated housing also? Would Dean Jewett appreciate being told where he will live in September?

Let's get down to business. How about requiring final club members to enter the houses through the under ground food passageways?