When Guys Were Guys and...

THE Romans had it easy. The Latin language was so incomprehensible that only a few elderly senators and epic poets could actually speak it. The body of the populace, therefore, had no trouble deciding whether to call a female college student "girl" or "woman"; they just grunted and pointed.

I, on the other hand, have trouble. Last week I told a high school friend about an interesting "girl" I had met in one of my sections. "Patronizing and sexist!" she charged. "Don't expect to be treated with respect until you call us women!"

Twenty minutes later, hoping I had learned my lesson, I told another high school friend about this "woman." "Get off it!" she responded. "Why are you foisting so much maturity on us before we're ready? We're girls!"

This is my life.

More than that, however, these incidents illustrate a fundamental problem with the English language: there is no word which adequately fills the gap between "girl" and "woman." As a result, I inevitably make a fool of myself in the course of conversation when I need to refer to...to...to...

REFERRING to males on campus causes no such problems, thanks to the nifty little word "guy." Hip males are called "cool guys." Studious males are referred to as "geeky guys." And elitist males are called "final club members."

Unfortunately, there is no English counterpart to "guy," save "gal." "Gal" sucks. Conjuring up the image of a Nebraska cow-milker in overalls doesn't go very far in the Northeastern liberal boutique we know and love.

"Female," "person" and "human being" also fail as substitutes. While they each have their time and place, their repeated use belies the precision that supposedly characterizes articulate speech. It is virtually impossible to say, for example, "This human being was wearing a paisley dress and shouting socialist slogans" without sounding a wee bit awkward.

Other words are even more inappropriate. "Chick," "babe," "dudette" and "hotcakes" cannot be used seriously. I still can't imagine myself saying, "Professor, I would like to follow up on what the dudette just said."

The only lasting solution, then, is to invent some new words. I have contacted the English Department several times for this purpose, but they have been completely unresponsive. The administration at least called me back, pledging to appoint a committee to look into the matter.

In the mean time, I have taken up the struggle on my own. How does "femteen" sound? What about "wogirl"? My personal favorite is "ibgaw," an acronym for "in between girl and woman." Another classic is "woadi," standing for "without any disrespect intended." Sure they may seem awkward now, but think of the children. They'll get used to it.

I have actually come up with more than 500 possible go-betweens. Sometimes I sit up late at night, eat pretzels, drink Cream Soda and allow my mind to ponder the outer limits of the English language.

THAT'S enough about my social life. The real question is: what can be done before one of my many brilliant creations gets widely accepted and I get disgustingly rich off its copyright?

I advise using "woman" consistently. "Girl" conjures up sexist images of corporate CEOs ordering their secretaries to get them coffee. "Woman" connotes much more respect, and if it makes females feel a bit superior to us "guys," I can deal.

Just as long as nobody, male or female, so much as dares to think of opening his or her mouth to call me a "geeky guy." We all have our pride.