Imagine the Perfect Getaway Place

Imagine the scene.

You are sitting on a pure, white beach, gazing out on the water as windsurfers leisurely float by. A nearby radio is playing Bob Marley's "Three Little Birds." As you take a sip of your drink, you notice a group of people walking along the beach in bathing suits. The women look like Sports Illustrated swimsuit models, the men like Chippendale dancers.

"It really is better in the Bahamas," you murmur to yourself.

Suddenly a native walks over to you. He smiles. You smile. He says hello. You say hello. He offers to sell you 14 kilos of marijuana. You decline. He keeps smiling, says good-bye and walks away.

Welcome to Nassau, where beaches are beautiful, the natives are friendly and anything can be purchased for the right amount of money.

Law enforcement is lax here, folks. More lax than Don Knotts was on The Andy Griffith Show. So if you want to sample the native wares, go right ahead. You can probably get away with it. But if you do manage to get caught--a feat that Harry Houdini might find difficult--you will have a more miserable life than the guy who guest-hosts The Pat Sajak Show.

Barring an unforeseen catastrophe, your trip to the Bahamas will be one of the most incredible vacations you will ever have. There aren't many places like it where you can indulge so many of you vices and do it so easily.

Nassau has (in no particular order) great clubs, great beaches, great music, great casinos, nice people, exciting water sports and several thousand other college students looking for fun. A recipe for the week of your life.

When you return to Harvard from the Bahamas, you will be tan. You will be rested. You will be wearing strange-looking beads. You will automatically turn on reggae music whenever you enter your room. You will miss your classes. Friends who were not in the Bahamas with you will ask you what's your problem. You'll answer, "No Problem."

In other words, you will be completely indoctrinated into the easy going way of life. But before you head south, here are a few words of advice.

Most of the Bahaman people are so friendly that you will become incredibly paranoid for the first few hours you are there. "No one is this nice to strangers," you'll think. "They must want something from me."

Fortunately, most of them are just incredibly happy people. Why shouldn't they be? Unfortunately, a few aren't really so nice. So be a little cautious. You may meet a cab drive who becomes a lifelong friend or you may meet a thief who steals your money.

You will inevitably get to know a lot of people on the buses that cruise down the main streets of Nassau during the day. Life is easier in the Bahamas: there are no bus stops and it costs just $.50. To stop a passing bus just wave your hand at the driver. To get off, just yell out "Bus Stop." Sound simple? It is.

Another simple task is deciding where to eat. Conch is the Bahaman specialty dish, and you can have it prepared every way imaginable. It's tasty the first dozen-or-so times you try it, but it gets kind of gross after that. All of the restaurants in the Bahamas are lousy, so you'll probably wind up eating at Kentucky Fried Chicken all the time. If you do, remember that "breast" means "scrappy piece of cartilage and bone" in the Bahamas. Try the word "kiel" instead.

It is also easy to decide where to go at night. Club Waterloo is located in what used to be a beautiful old mansion just outside of town. You need to take a cab to get there, but it's worth it.

There is an indoor dance floor with a disc jockey, an outdoor dancing space with a live band, bars all over the place and a soccer-field sized backyard decorated with aging statues. Behind the backyard is a quiet pond which romantic couples often look out upon. Other people throw up into it.

Club Waterloo also has the Hurricane, a potent mix of several types of rum. It smells good, tastes like fruit punch and is guaranteed to blow you out to sea.

If you get tired of the Waterloo (you won't), you can always hit The Palace in downtown Nassau. This club is a typical New York-style disco, including--yes, you guessed it--a hydraulical dance floor with flashing lights, which moves up and down, and looks like a spaceship.

If you don't want to go on the UFO and you need a break from Hurricanes, there is another amazing phenomenon you shouldn't miss--the casino. There are at least two major gambling establishments in Nassau, one in Cable Beach and one on Paradise Island.

Although the latter is nicer than the former, both are equally willing to take your money in blackjack, roulette, baccarat and the slot machines. Be careful that you don't have too many of the complimentary drinks at the tables (ranging from $2 to $1000 minimum each hand), or else you won't have enough money to leave.

Maybe that's not such a bad idea...