Who Writes History?

RONALD Reagan and I have slightly different perspectives on the 1980s. Reagan tends to emphasize the years 1982 to 1984 as the peak of American pride and his own personal appeal. I tend to de-emphasize these years, because I was in junior high school then.

I hated junior high school.

So who is right? Reagan or me? According to a famous saying inscribed on the keychains of many evil dictators, it depends on which of us wins. After all, history is written by the victors...

IF DAN Quayle wins, the history of the '80s will be written in short sentences with lots of simple words. America is good. You can do anything you set your mind to. Hello, my name is Dan Quayle. (Note: If Quayle wins, history will become the gut major.)

If Barry Manilow wins, the '80s will be remembered as one long, horrible dry spell. The '70s will be re-idolized, and Manilow jokes banned.

If Hollywood wins, the '80s will go down as the genesis of the buddy movie. We will be watching re-runs of two strangers meeting, having adventures and becoming friends forever. Even worse would be a victory of the fashion world. Vogue has already proclaimed that in the 1980s, "Madonna made the thrift shop look very important."

THE POLITICAL economy of the '80s will also be written by its victors. Democrats will de-emphasize the control of the House of Representatives over the budget process, and Republicans may pretend their presidents never singed any budgets. Perhaps if Ronald "no recollection" Reagan wins, the eighties won't be remembered at all.

If liberals win, the '80s will be remembered--to paraphrase Jesse Jackson--as a dream for the few and a nightmare for the many. The decade saw political participation reach new lows and income inequality reach new highs. At current rates, 16 million American children will live below the poverty line in the year 2000.

Liberals will remember President Bush for his lack of initiative on liberal issues.

If conservatives win, the decade will go down as a triumph for the American way (translation: capitalism). Referring to the vast changes in Eastern Europe, conservatives will say that the wildly expensive military buildup at the beginning of the century paid off by its end.

Conservatives will remember President Bush for his lack of initiative on conservative issues.

Perhaps neither liberals nor conservatives will win, but the religious fundamentalists will. In this case, prepare for the '80s to be labeled the Decade of Satan. After all, Satan did force Jim Bakker into that motel room, and Jimmy Swaggert into that car. Satan made the Supreme Court rule against school prayer and for the right to flag-burn. And Satan did lure Don Johnson into a singing career.

IT'S ACTUALLY fairly unlikely that any one person or group will win. But people tend to describe history as if they already have. Just watch the 3000 review shows about to appear on television, all entitled, "looking back at the 1980s." And ask yourself how you would write the history of the decade if you won.

Personally, I would tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth. Having attended Harvard for almost three whole years, I value facts in and of themselves.

If I won, I'd mention everything that ever happened in the 1980s. Except my high school senior prom.